How to not be obsessive over a guy

Are you obsessing over a guy? You need to get back your life because he is not worth any of your time. You can stop it in 20 simple steps.

How to not be obsessive over a guy

Ways You Can Stop Obsessing Over A Guy

You may not admit this, but at some point in your life you have obsessed over a guy- it could be your friend’s ex-boyfriend, a married guy, a celebrity, or some silly guy you barely know. Whatever the case, the feeling is bad yet you can’t stop it. What are you supposed to do? The man is incredibly attractive, you barely know him, he is not your ex, but you don’t seem to stop thinking about him. Perhaps he is taken or you once slept with him on a one night stand. Know that you are not the first to be in this kind of a situation; it happens to most women- married, single, engaged, old, and young. Don’t fret because there are 20 tips that will help you ditch the unhealthy obsession.

What Causes The Obsession

An obsession over a guy is a compelling desire to be with a man you find astonishingly attractive or very special. We have all encountered such men and it is totally a normal feeling. But the problem comes when there is not a single chance to get into a relationship with this guy, so you need to get over him. These feelings are real and strong in some cases and if they are not reciprocated, they are more likely to fade away. The obsession can be caused by several things such as playful flirting, admiration, one-night stand, or no reason at all. It feels wonderful at first to have some chemical reactions in your brain but you later realize that it is unhealthy. Your fantasies are all in vain if this guy you are obsessing over is committed to another woman. Are at this stage looking for encouragement or redemption? Now is the time to step up and start living a healthy life.

How to not be obsessive over a guy

You finally meet someone that you click with; someone that makes you laugh; someone you think is super sexy. All of a sudden you’re only a short time into dating and you realize that it may be too fast too soon — you’re practically ready to drop the “L word,” even though that small part of your brain that’s still acting rationally knows that it’s way too early for that. The beginning of any romantic relationship is intoxicating. This was me, every single time I ever started dating someone. I’d be swept off my feet and imagining our future life together (like, wedding and babies future together) before I even knew the guy’s middle name!

While I tend to just dive right in and let the person I’m dating know how I feel, throwing caution to the wind, I totally understand that that’s not recommended for people in most situations. I mean, it’s worked out great in my current relationship — I told my boyfriend I loved him just a month after we made it “official” and we’ve been together for almost three years now — but the trail of not-boyfriends in my wake speaks to the fact that it hasn’t always been smart on my part either. So what do you when you feel that love-feeling coming on way too soon and you think you might do something crazy? Here are six tricks to help you keep your cool.

1. Spend More Time With Them

Seriously. Nothing bursts the new relationship crazies like actually getting to know the person you’re obsessing over. When we first meet someone, we tend to fill in the blanks with favorable imaginings, right? But as you get to know the real person better and better, you’ll learn their faults and your obsessive interest will transform, either into disinterest or into a different kind of like.

2. Facebook Stalk

Just like spending more time together IRL, Facebook stalking can definitely put a damper on your obsessiveness, assuming that it helps you realize that your new partner is not perfect. It’s also a good way to channel that liking feeling without blowing up their phone every five seconds, even if it doesn’t put an actual damper on things.

3. Talk To Your Friends

Make your friends listen to you talk about your new partner until they want to either plug their ears with cotton or put a muzzle on you. That’s what friends are for!

4. Come Up With An Alternative Way To Say You Dig Them

If it’s too early to say “love,” find another way of telling your new love interest that you’re really into them. It can be as easy as telling them how cute they think they are all the time or letting them know that you really love spending time together. The important thing is that you verbalize your feelings, just maybe not with that weighty word yet.

5. Hang Out With Your Other Friends Often

In addition to making your friends listen to you talk about bae 24/7, make plans with as many different friends as you can, and as often as possible. This does the double duty of distracting you from your obsession and giving you more people whose ears you can off. Win/win!

6. Go On A Few Dates With Other People

Nothing distracts better than dating around a bit, assuming you and your new partner haven’t made any promises about monogamy yet. Go on a couple of dates to help cool down the hot hot heat you’re feeling. Who knows — maybe you’ll even meet someone better for you.

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tl;dr: why do I obsess over guys at the start of getting to know each other, and then lose interest/am left alone?

So this maybe a bit of a ramble, so sorry about that. I notice a pattern that when I am first starting to know a guy I like, I get obsessed. I manage to play it cool, because I don't want to scare the guy away and also feel this obsession phase has more to do with me than with the guy. However, this requires a lot of restraining, since I can be daydreaming about the guy constantly. The thing is that this obsession never transitions into something sustainable. I mean, either the guy stops reciprocating (which sucks and hurts) or I become less and less obsessed until I do not even want to see the guy anymore. This happens typically because a lot of what I originally thought as attractive becomes less attractive, or because things I did not like from the start become more apparent.

What's up with this? Is it emotional immaturity? do I just want what I can't have? How can I genuinely avoid getting so obsessed?

This is a pretty common experience, so you're not alone!

One way to look at this is from the standpoint of attachment and projection of our own desires. What does that mean? Well, when we first meet someone we're attracted to, we often don't really see 'them' as they are. We project our own ideas and desires onto them. We can be so so so blinded by infatuation/lust/attachment that we are not really seeing the other person correctly. In many ways, we're seeing what our desire wants out of that person (even in direct contradiction to actual evidence — for example, we might see a guy drinking a glass of whiskey and get all caught up in this story in our heads about 'raw masculinity' and 'man's man' kind of stuff, completely oblivious to the fact that it's really a guy struggling with a drinking problem. But if we frame whiskey drinking in terms of that 'blue collar' fantasy, we're just in our own fantasy, not in reality. And at this point, we're not actually interested in reality, we're just in our fantasy.)

What happens, as you've found, is that over time, reality starts to creep into the fantasy and obsession lessens. This is because desire has cooled down enough that you start to see more edges of reality and less of your fantasy. Very likely the reason you're losing interest is because you're seeing that the fantasy isn't real, and there's disappointment in that. The guy likely hasn't changed much from when you first met him, but this fantasy/reality interplay in your mind has skewed over to reality and you're not interested in that, so you move on — to a new fantasy with a different guy, which cycles in much the same way. And, as you've found, you end up in this state where you're sort of 'on a treadmill' — there's lots of activity, but you're not really going anywhere, right?

So the work is to temper your fantasies and have more 'reality-based' interactions with people. It can be hard — fantasies/dreams/projections are a lot of fun: we don't have many limitations in our imagination, except one: we can't always turn our imagination into reality. And that's the sticking point you may be hitting right now.

One perspective, anyway. There are different ways to look at it. I hope you're able to make changes in the way you navigate your fantasies and in the ways you interact with people in real-life. With something like this, changes can come slowly, so it's not unusual to get frustrated with the work. Persistence is an ally here. Good luck to you!

How to not be obsessive over a guy

Many times, when I see single women in my office for therapy, they talk about the men they are dating. They want to find out how to stop thinking about someone who isn’t making them a priority.

I’ve always been struck with how they still wait for that text message before going to sleep and lose endless hours if their boyfriend hasn’t called them. They become physically anxious as they describe the tension they feel, wondering if this guy is going to ask them out for the weekend.

As I look at these women (many of whom are doctors, lawyers, teachers, nurses, and businesswomen), I’m puzzled. These women are gorgeous, successful, and could have any guy they wanted.

Why are they putting up with a guy who has them on pins and needles waiting for a call?

Obsessing over someone is a “rite of passage” when you are a teen or in college, but apparently, it doesn’t end there. Many women who experience this obsession are in their 30s, 40s, 50s, and beyond.

Women may get pickier as they get older and more accomplished, but they cannot figure out how to stop obsessing over getting the phone call, email, or goodnight text.

A study from the University of Virginia sheds light on women who obsess about a man. The study suggests that the obsession itself may actually fuel their fire.

The study was published in Psychology Science and is based on an experiment conducted with female undergraduates.

The female students were told they were evaluating whether Facebook could work as an online dating site. The women were then shown Facebook profiles of what were considered “likable, attractive” men, with researchers manipulating and falsifying the profiles.

One group of women were told that these four men liked them the most, a second group heard that these men rated them as average, and a third group was left in the unsettling position of thinking the men might like them.

As expected, women were more attracted to men who found them attractive than men who rated them average. What researchers didn’t expect were the women who found the men most attractive were those of the third group.

We have all been through the pains of wondering, “Will he call me or was he just saying that to be nice?” Many women hate this about themselves — the sleepless nights and wondering about our date’s intention.

Even though we may hate this obsessing, it appears that obsessing fuels women to like the guy more.

The researchers of this study, Erin R. Whitchurch, Timothy D. Wilson, and Daniel T. Gilbert, state that women find men more appealing if the men might like them, rather than men who definitely do. However, the women had to feel like there was some interest in the guy keeping them on pins and needles.

For the women in my office, this most likely means the guy is giving them some attention to fuel their obsession. But many times, the obsession takes over and women may find they cannot stay focused at work, which begins to feed their feelings of doubts.

If you find yourself experiencing this feeling, here are few suggestions to help you alleviate those obsessive thoughts:

1. Get in touch with your fears.

Sometimes, writing down or talking about this fear helps get it out of your head.

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2. Limit your obsessiveness.

Plan a time of day and a specific amount of time (15 minutes) you will allow yourself to obsess. When the thought comes to you and it isn’t that time of day, tell yourself it is not time and reserve that thought for the time permitted.

3. Utilize help from friends.

Friends can help you differentiate fiction from fact. If you are sure he is out with someone else and there is no evidence, your friends can assure you that you shouldn’t think like this until you have clear evidence.

4. Distract yourself.

Whenever you begin to obsess, transplant a different thought or action into your schedule.

For example, whenever you begin to obsess, tell yourself you will do twenty crunches or push-ups. Soon, you will either find yourself thinking of reasons not to think about him, or you will be working toward a buff chest and tight tummy.

5. Shut off all communication.

If you are worried he won’t call and you make yourself unavailable, this helps preserve the ego. You can tell yourself maybe he called or maybe he didn’t, but you were unavailable. It gives the control back to you.

Anyone who has ever obsessed about anyone’s affection knows how terribly out of control it feels. It may fuel the affection, but it distracts you from being who you want to be.

The question isn’t will he like you or not. The question is: Do you like yourself enough to acknowledge the obsessive thoughts, but not let them control your life?

How to not be obsessive over a guy

Lately, it’s been impossible to have a conversation with your friend without at least half of the conversation being devoted to descriptions of the guy she’s obsessed with and projections about their future together. You’ve wondered if you should stage an intervention, but chances are, the obsession will die on its own without you having to take any radical steps on behalf of your preoccupied friend. Nevertheless, there are still a few actions you can take to help both your friend and your friendship.

Have a Frank Discussion

If your friend’s obsession is hurting your friendship – say she won’t stop texting him every time you’re together – be honest and let her know how you feel, says educator and coach Rachel Simmons on her personal website. You’ll want to keep the ball in your court so she doesn’t take offense or become defensive. You might say, “Whenever we’re together and you spend a lot of the time texting Jeremy, I feel like our time together isn’t important.” If she’s able to see how her behavior is affecting you, she may decide to stop.

Distract Your Friend

Keep your friend distracted with other activities and she’ll have less time to obsess over the guy she likes. Distractions can help to remind your friend that there are other things in life that are important, notes author and physician Alex Lickerman, M.D. in an article in “Psychology Today.” Grab your friend and take her to see the action flick she’s been wanting to see, or schedule a manicure for the two of you. Taking a vacation from her obsessive thoughts will be healthy for her and will give your friendship a respite from her obsession as well.

Give Your Friend Time

While it may be painful to listen to your friend go on and on about a guy, realize that unless the behavior has continued for years, it will probably go away in time. Give your friend time to get over her obsession on her own. With time, obsessions tend to lose their zest, says Lickerman. If you get tired of hearing the story – yet again – of how Arnold looked like he wanted to kiss her after dinner two weeks ago, patiently change the subject.

Recommend Professional Help

If your friend’s obsession is causing her to make poor life decisions – perhaps she is ready to quit her job and move to Belgium because the guy she likes is relocating there – suggest that she discuss her impulses with a qualified life coach or counselor. While your friend may resent your suggestion that focusing all of her energies on this man is counterproductive, an objective professional might be able to help her sort things out. Recommend someone and tell her that you’ve heard people have great success prioritizing goals when they see life coaches, and you want to see her get everything out of life she deserves.

How to not be obsessive over a guy

It’s very common to get super-excited over a crush or new person you’re seeing. This is all totally natural, and fun… in most cases. We tend to put new love interests on a pedestal and romanticize everything about them. The down side of this is the risk of falling into a state of obsession, wondering when you’ll see them next, overanalyzing every text, and imagining your wedding day after the first date.

While these feelings are natural in certain cases, they can also spiral out of control and have a negative impact on your self-esteem and mental health, says relationship expert, Britanny Burr. Wondering how to keep your love interest to a healthy crush, rather than a “Fatal Attraction”-level infatuation? Keep reading.

Note Their flaws

It is easy to only see their good qualities when our heart is doing the thinking for us. That’s why it is important to remember that our crushes are human, therefore they’ve got a whole bundle of flaws, even if you can’t quite see them yet. “Rather than focusing on the tiny, cute, good qualities, try to look at them as an entire person, good and bad, and try to humanize them in your mind,” says Burr.

Distract Yourself

When you find your mind wandering and imaging your crush whisking you away in their arms, find a way to occupy your mind and get grounded. Grab a book, work on a hobby or passion that brings you joy, or just create a more realistic fantasy to keep your mind busy, suggests Allison Agliata, a psychologist who specializes in relationships. “Remember that sometimes we use fantasy to escape, but obsessing about your crush is not going change anything or help the relationship progress.”

Change the Scene

“People flourish in the environments in which they are the most comfortable, so if you are seeing that special someone only in their familiar, comfortable environments, they can seem a lot more confident and appealing than they are in other environments,” says Burr. For example, if you met at a party and continue to hang out in social settings, they’ll thrive, making you more attracted to them. Pull them out of their comfort zone and watch them out of their element for once. This may make them seem a little more, you know, normal.

MORE: 9 Old-Fashioned Dating Rituals It’s Officially Time to Bring Back

Start a New Hobby

It’s a good time to get into a new hobby when you find yourself obsessing over a new crush, suggests Sky Sommerfled, owner of StripN’Fitness LLC. “Find a hobby that takes up your time, something you’ve been meaning to do that you haven’t done yet. When me and my fiancé got together, I started doing yoga to take my mind off of the obsession and the constant “when will he text me back”.”

Role Play

Imagine the actions, words, and qualities of someone who you aren’t smitten with. For example, if your crush says or does something that you find adorable, imagine a friend had said or done the same. If it were coming from anyone else, would you find it quite as remarkable? “Chances are, the things that they are saying and doing aren’t that incredible, it is just the fact that they are coming from someone you like/love. It is important to recognize the different standards we hold for those who we have feelings for, and ask ourselves why,” says Burr.

Have a Mantra

Something like, “He/she is so obsessed with me.” It may seem a tad egotistical, but it’s all about putting the power back in your hands. “I remember when I first started dating my man I kept telling myself, ‘You’re a catch and any man is lucky to have you.’ I would repeat it in the mirror over and over. Focus on yourself and he/she will follow your lead,” says Sommerfled.

MORE: The Transgender Woman’s Field Guide to Dating

Spend Time with Friends and Family

Try to put extra energy into the people that are already in your life and you know will always be there for you. “This will force you to divide your attention between many people, rather than dumping it all into a crush you barely know,” suggest relationship expert and dating coach, Stacy Karyn.

Meditate

Obsession is all about getting your mind under control and meditation is one way to do this. “There are many apps to help you,” says Karyn. “Apps such as Headspace even offer specific self-help categories that you can follow, including one on “relationships”.”

Pick up the Phone

Part of the reason we get so obsessive over new love interests is the mysterious nature of discovering someone new…and one of the hardest forms of communication when chatting with someone new is texting. “There is SO much room for misunderstanding in the case of non-verbal communication, and when we’re unsure what someone means exactly, we can begin to obsess. Rather than freak out about what someone means, if they read your message, if they understood your sarcasm over text or any combination of these stressors, pick up the phone and have a verbal conversation,” says Burr.

How to not be obsessive over a guy

There’s nothing like the thrill of new love — the intensity, the excitement, the obsession. We think about him constantly. Our moods shift in parallel to her smile or frown. It’s purely a matter of willpower that keeps us in touch with our family and friends because, if truth be known, he or she is the only person we want to be with.

Then, typically somewhere between six months and two years, our relationship becomes real. The chemistry of the initial attraction is replaced by a conscious assessment of how the other person’s vision and values mesh with ours. Whether or not the relationship deepens into something substantial and long-lasting depends on how suitable we are for each other as life partners. It also depends on the psychological health of the individuals involved.

In fact, for a minority of unstable individuals, the mutual infatuation stage morphs into something quite different — a one-sided obsession in which one partner increasingly attempts to mold and shape the other into an object with which he or she can play out their fantasy. Individuals who develop these obsessive interpersonal relationships often have psychological problems that prevent the normal progression of a romantic relationship. Independence is seen as rejection; physical or emotional distance is viewed as a threat. As a result, there is a repeated attempt to possess and control the other partner’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. When the object of the obsession tires of all the attention, pressure, and neediness and — inevitably — tries to pull back, the perpetrator’s worst fears are confirmed, setting up a vicious cycle in which each side escalates in response to the other. At the extreme, the end of the relationship can lead to the end of a life.

3 Stages of Obsession

Obsessive love is based on fantasy and illusion. Interactions are based on a pre-written script that requires an often-unsuspecting partner to memorize the lines and never alter them. There is a constant expectation of reassurance and an intense focus in the relationship that doesn’t subside regardless of the length of time the relationship has endured or the amount of time spent together. However, the relationship does change over time and can often be divided into three definite phases:

1. Absorbed Stage: Due to the consuming nature of infatuation, it can be hard to spot red flags of an obsessive relationship during courtship. However, even during the throes of infatuation, some individuals are extreme in their initial attachment — wanting to know everything about you, showering you with gifts, talking about marriage and commitment within the first few days of meeting, or referring to you as his or her “soulmate.” Looking back, many survivors of obsessive relationships can see that, early on, a partner was putting them in the role they were supposed to play.

One of my clients once told me about a successful doctor she dated briefly who, after three dates, asked her when she was going to move in with him. On all three dates, he had asked her to dress up and taken her to extremely expensive restaurants, where he insisted they both order (and eat) appetizers, a main course, and dessert. When she made the comment that she couldn’t continue eating like this if she wanted to maintain her “girlish figure,” he looked her in the eye and stated, “Well, you can always go in the bathroom and throw up. Eating out is the one thing that helps me relieve stress.” Needless to say, that was the last date they had; although he obsessively called her for a few weeks afterward, she later learned that her former date had moved in with another woman within the month.

2. Agitated Stage: As the relationship progresses, the obsessive partner increasingly attempts to control his or her partner. They text, call, or email numerous times a day. They are jealous of anyone or anything that takes time away from your relationship and attempt to sabotage your participation in enjoyed activities and isolate you from friends and family. They become increasingly anxious about losing you and so they begin to doubt or mistrust what you say even though there is no reason to do so.

3. Aggressive Stage: This stage typically starts when either previously “successful” attempts at controlling you have failed; or you end the relationship. At this point, the perpetrator ups the ante. They may threaten suicide if you don’t acquiesce to their demands. They may disrupt your life by calling your home, boss, or friends. They may suddenly show up uninvited. They may alternate between pleas to reunite and vows of vengeance. For some desperate or disturbed individuals, the behavior can escalate to stalking, threats, or physical violence.

The Psychological Profile of a Violent Ex

No matter how hurt or angry, most ex-lovers never engage in illegal behavior. Those who do have an underlying psychopathology that blocks their ability to let go and move on. In particular, two personality profiles are likely to engage in serious or lethal violence after a breakup.

The first — the generally violent, antisocial ex — tends to have a history of impulsivity, substance abuse, and/or violent and criminal behavior inside and outside the relationship. This person was likely abusive and controlling in the relationship, using violence as a way to keep a partner in line or regain control and feel powerful. The obsessiveness displayed reflects a sense of ownership and entitlement: You belong to me, and I have the right to tell you what to do. Lethal violence is an extension of these dysfunctional relationship beliefs: You have disrespected me by leaving, and I can’t allow that.

Unlike the chronic batterer , the second type of potentially lethal ex may have never laid a finger on a partner; in fact, in 20 percent of relationship homicides, the murder is the first act of violence. The personality profile of this obsessive ex is an immature and self-centered individual who, in the relationship, constantly craved or demanded attention and affection. Emotional blackmail — crying, threats of self-harm, inducing guilt — may be used to control a partner during a relationship. It is only when these no longer work that violence becomes an option.

Stalking and other forms of unwanted pursuit may be used after a breakup in an attempt to maintain or re-establish an intimate relationship. Taken to the extreme, the obsessive ex may explode in a murderous rage out of the mistaken impression that the very essence of who they are will be psychologically destroyed if they don’t respond to the situation.

The Bottom Line

No one can accurately predict which individual will murder someone they once loved. We can, however, spot the dark clouds in a relationship that predict thunderclouds after a breakup. Whether out of insecurity and neediness, or a sense of entitlement and ownership, exes who kill their former partners attempt to manipulate and control the relationship long before it ends. Ending such a relationship safely requires planning, strategy, and help. Don’t go it alone.

You know the feeling…. you and your ex-lover just broke up 2 weeks ago, after a roller-coaster of a relationship where you were constantly abused and lied to. But you just can’t seem to shake the breakup blues. You don’t want to leave the house, your friends are tired of listening to you talk about your ex, and all you do is cry and lay in bed. While everyone tells you that it was for the best – and a part of you believes it was for the best, you just can’t stop thinking about your ex. You think about everything including the good and the troubled times. Thinking about your ex-lover, turns into an obsession, almost like a drug you begin wondering about what they are doing, who they are with, and if they are as hurt about the break-up as you are. Perhaps you check their social media accounts, maybe you drive by their house hoping to see them and who they are with, you call their phone from a blocked number to see if they will answer or just to hear their voicemail; you sniff their old clothes that they left behind to smell their scent, or maybe you camp out at a spot where you are hoping they will come by and see you. When you do find out what your ex has been up to, you are shocked because they have moved on, and are in love again. Your partner looks very happy with their new beau, and doesn’t appear to even be thinking about you or your recent breakup. You can’t seem to stop thinking about them, and now you don’t know how to move with your life, despite how terrible the relationship was. And now your obsession kicks into overdrive. Here are some tips to help you move stop obsessing about your ex and the relationship which brought you a lot of pain.

1) Don’t be impulsive, or engage in behaviors that you will regret. Sometimes when we are hurting, we want to do anything to alleviate that pain or try to hurt the person who made us feel that way. This would include things like begging our ex to come back, doing drugs, sleeping with other people (especially people that your ex knows), destructing our ex-lover’s property, and blasting our ex on social media. Keep in mind that after a breakup, you are experiencing an emotional turmoil – thus you may not be thinking clearly. All you know is that you are hurting, angry, and you want those feelings to stop; or you want to hurt your ex as much as they hurt you. Keep in mind, engaging in behaviors like this isn’t going to stop the pain, or change what happened. You are more likely to feel upset about engaging in something that may cost you in the end. It may also be more beneficial to “disconnect” from social media for a period, so that you can work on your healing without spying on your ex, discussing all the details of the break-up, or trying to openly shame your ex.

2) Allow yourself time to heal. If you were truly invested in your relationship, that means you put a great deal of effort and emotion into it. Thus, you can’t “just get over someone and move on” without feeling hurt. Understand that above all else, you are a human being, and you are entitled to feel and express your pain. Everyone is different in how they express their pain and the length of time needed to recover; there is no one size fits all. You have the right to feel upset, angry, sad, and pissed off. Those are all natural feelings. Allow yourself the time and the space to go through these feelings in a safe space.

3) Focus on yourself and your healing. This is done by doing things that help you feel better, and assist you in your healing process. Reading self-help books, and journaling can be very therapeutic and informative. It allows you to try and gain understanding. Other things that you can do to focus on healing are doing things which may help you to feel better even if it’s only temporary. Examples of this include: watching your favorite movie, going for a walk, or going out with a friend to a nice dinner. While you may need to be proactive and “force yourself” to do this initially, over time it will become easier.

4) Allow yourself a specific amount of time to grieve and think about the loss of the relationship. I want to preface this with the statement, this works exercise works better for some than for others. How it works: allow yourself a specific amount of time to think about or grieve your ex and your previous relationship each day, with the notion that you will gradually decrease this allotted time weekly. For example, during the first week of the breakup, allow yourself 2 uninterrupted hours a day (you can adjust the amount of time) to cry, be angry, and to sit with those uncomfortable emotions. The following week decrease the amount of time to 1 hour and 45 min a day and so on. The idea is that you allot yourself time to grieve and process the loss, but you don’t allow it to consume you.

5) Make room for support. You may have the urge to isolate yourself from friends and family, or dwell on the relationship or your ex. When most people have experienced a break-up (even in a toxic relationship) they experience a range of emotions such as anger and depression, they want to isolate and withdraw, thus sinking deeper into a negative state of feelings. The better solution is to do the exact opposite by reconnecting with others and rekindling other positive uplifting relationships. However, I would implement a boundary here as well – allot yourself a specific amount of time to talk about things that happened in your relationship; or ask your friends and loved ones to cue you if you continue to dwell on the topic of your former partner/relationship. You want your friends and family to be a positive support system and a distraction; not help you continue to focus on the negatives.

6) Seek out therapy for support and feedback. Finding a therapist can be a great start to helping you understand your pain, being supportive and objective, and identifying concerns. Further, a therapist will provide education and insight about you, your situation, and provide additional coping skills.

7) Medication. If you are not able to eat, sleep, work, talk to anyone, go to school, care for your children, your family and friends grow extremely concerned about your emotional state, and you constantly continue to obsess over your ex in an unhealthy manner, and a substantial amount of time has passed (2-3 months or more) – you may want to explore medication options with your primary care physician or a psychiatrist. Medication, combined with counseling can help to provide additional support during your critical adjustment period.

Breakups from relationships can be difficult, even if the relationship with abusive, unhealthy, or didn’t meet your emotional needs. If you broke up with someone who was particularly manipulative, you can easily get sucked back in and be consumed by the relationship in an even more destructive way – which is the reaction that they were hoping for. Working on healing yourself, learning from your experience, and continuing to move forward in spite your experience will prove to be far more beneficial.

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