How to handle jealousy

How to handle jealousy

There’s a very good reason why jealousy is known as the green eyed monster.
It can cause perfectly rational people to suddenly turn into raging creatures of anger and hate. In seconds, it can destroy what should be a happy celebration as well as permanently destroy relationships between family, friends, co-workers and even your neighbours.

I had a good reminder of how quickly jealousy can rear it’s ugly head the other day when a friend called to tell me she’d gotten engaged. I could hear the happiness in her voice and I was thrilled for her. She’d been waiting for this for a long time. I knew it was a good match for her and it would bring great joy to her.

So, what does this have to do with jealousy? Well, I asked her two questions, “Did you get a nice ring?” and “Was it a romantic proposal?” The second I asked them I knew I was only hurting myself but her response made me just want to lash out at her. What was her answer? A very simple, “Of course”.

So, now you’re completely confused. How could that possibly set off an episode of jealousy in anyone? Well, jealousy is all about a deep internal hurt within the person feeling that emotion. And for me, the hurt has to do with the fact that I always wanted a romantic proposal and an engagement ring but I never got them when I got engaged. It just didn’t work out that way. So, until I figured out what was going on, whenever someone spoke about this subject, I sometimes got very jealous.

I’m very glad that I didn’t lash out at my friend for if I had I would have ruined a very special time in her life as well as quite possibly a good friendship. And for what? Just because I was hurting? Definitely no need to hurt someone else because something wonderful has happened for them. And, I truly was happy for my friend. It just almost didn’t come out that way initially. That is why jealousy is such a monster. Your own pain overwhelms you so much that you’ll hurt even a good friend.

A far better solution than simply allowing the emotion of jealousy to overtake you is to realize:

It’s All About You
I once had a boss who would wear a t-shirt sometimes that said, “It’s all about me” which is absolutely true when it comes to jealousy. As soon as you feel the familiar emotion of jealousy, you know there’s something deep inside you that needs to be healed. It’s all about you, not the other person. They are just the emotional trigger. Take the time to figure out what it is about the situation that is causing you to react so violently.

You Need to Heal Yourself
With jealousy, the very first thing you want to do is to strike out in anger and to push away the person who has stirred up your emotions. If you hurt them back or belittle their accomplishment then you don’t have to deal with your own pain and suffering. This is why some relationships are destroyed. People go with the initial feelings and don’t take it as a sign that something needs to be healed. Other times you might just stuff the emotion down. This isn’t good either. A part of you needs your attention and you need to free yourself from this negative emotion. If you don’t, you’re going to find that it appears again and again until you take the time to figure it out.

It’s a very draining emotion and it’s also a tough one to let go once the anger has been stirred up. It’s far better to face it head on and just deal with it. You’ll be so glad you did.

The Other Person Doesn’t Know
Usually, when you react with jealousy, the other person won’t even know why you’re behaving the way you are. They don’t know what event has happened in your past to make you feel this way. All they know is that you’re not being very nice with their happy news. It will cause confusion and hurt within the other person.

In my situation, it all comes down to the reason why I wanted the proposal so much which my friend had absolutely no way of knowing. I spent a huge chunk of my childhood dreaming about the day that the handsome prince was going to arrive on my doorstep, take my hands, look deep into my eyes and tell me how special I was and that he loved me truly, madly, deeply. Then he’d rescue me from all my current problems and we’d ride off into a gorgeous sunset to live happily ever after. Of course such a fairytale could never come true but I still wanted the romantic proposal when I got engaged. I would sometimes imagine what it would be like, how amazing it would be. To me, the proposal would symbolize that someone telling me how special I was. So, after all that dreaming, I was disappointed and frustrated that I didn’t get one when my turn finally did come. It’s just something that I needed to accept and then move on. Along with accepting this fact I needed to truly believe that I am special with or without that romantic proposal. The original hurt needed to be dealt with which I think it now has been.

By being aware of where your feelings are coming from will go a long way towards healing past events.

Use Jealousy To Your Advantage
It is possible to use jealousy to your advantage. Whenever you feel the emotion, take a look at what it is you’re jealous over. Is this something you really want in your life? If it is, then be grateful for this experience because it has made you realize how much you do want something. Now, that you have a clearer idea of what you want, you can start to focus on the steps you need to take in order to achieve this goal. If you hadn’t gone through this experience, you might not have been made aware of what you truly desire.

If what you’re jealous over isn’t something you really want then you know that you’re dealing with more internal emotions like not feeling you’re good enough or having limiting beliefs like nothing good ever happens to you. You can heal that aspect of yourself and become a much stronger and centered person for it.

Either way, you can use jealousy to your advantage.

It Just Is
Here’s one more thought to consider about jealousy. You may feel like the “grass is greener” for everyone else but really the situation “just is”. If you can learn not to compare yourself to others with what they have or what they’re doing, but instead just look at things as “just is” without judgment, you’ll never end up feeling like you’re not good enough or that you don’t have enough. Yes, they might have something you’d like and that’s great for them. Be happy for them. Share in their joy. It doesn’t change who you are though. Focus on what you want to achieve with your life and follow your own path.

The important thing to remember is to use jealousy as a sign to heal yourself or as a sign that you need to start working towards a certain goal.

Don’t allow yourself to hurt other people simply because you have a wound that needs your attention and care. If you’re still feeling jealous then you know you’re focusing on the wrong thing. You just need to turn it around and start focusing on what you do want. Jealousy truly can be a valuable emotion if you let it.

To cure jealousy is to see it for what it is, a dissatisfaction with self
Joan Didion

This article was co-authored by Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSW. Kelli Miller is a Psychotherapist, Author, and TV/radio host based in Los Angeles, California. Kelli is currently in private practice and specializes in individual and couples’ relationships, depression, anxiety, sexuality, communication, parenting, and more. Kelli also facilitates groups for those struggling with alcohol and drug addiction as well as anger management groups. As an author, she received a Next Generation Indie Book Award for her book “Thriving with ADHD: A Workbook for Kids” and also wrote “Professor Kelli’s Guide to Finding a Husband”. Kelli was a host on LA Talk Radio, a relationship expert for The Examiner, and speaks globally. You can also see her work on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/kellibmiller, Instagram @kellimillertherapy, and her website: www.kellimillertherapy.com. She received her MSW (Masters of Social Work) from the University of Pennsylvania and a BA in Sociology/Health from the University of Florida.

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Everyone feels a little jealous once in a while—maybe someone was acting a little flirty with your partner, or maybe your best friend has been having a lot of fun with a new coworker. However, if jealous thoughts become really intrusive, it can actually drive a wedge between you and the person you want to be closest to. To save the relationship and get some peace of mind, take some time to sort through your feelings before you act on them.

How to handle jealousy

How to handle jealousy

What Jealous mean in true sense. Jealousy means which you don’t like about another person. It can be because of many things. The more important thing is the success of the person. Jealousy is bad in many aspects.

Jealousy happens to harm the person more than helping. As the person is burning from inside and holding grudges for another person. It harms the productivity of the person. It does not help the person holding jealousy for another person.

Jealousy has a bad effect on relationships. It not only makes the person alone in the world. But also makes him loose on all opportunities. People will not want to talk with you or stand beside you.

Jealousy will only make you sick in front of others. It will destroy your personality. People facing jealousy need to be aware of how to handle those people. They need to be more compassionate towards that person having jealousy.

Jealousy happens in every workplace. someone somewhere is jealous of another person. It might be that the person is not aware of jealousy. People come to know about jealousy through his action.

There are many things to make a person jealous. Here are some points to handle jealousy efficiently.

Focus on Yourself: It is essential to focus on yourself and not on others. People who are jealous of you need to be left alone. Jealous people will only find mistakes in the good you do for them. You as a person will need to arm yourself against any tactics from jealousy.

Build Friendships: It is crucial to develop good relations with people around you. At your workplace, people need to have good trust in you. You will have to be aware of the actions of a jealous person. Having good friends to stand with you and support you.

Respect Everyone: Respect is vital to winning over jealous people. The more respect you gain from your subordinates. The more it will help you in handling jealous people. They will be the first one to put an end to wrongdoings.

Victorious: The most essential thing is to be victorious in your area of work. You have to be result-oriented in your work. That is how you will be able to stand out from the crowd. You will have respect from your seniors. It will be the only that will matter the most. So, develop & hone your skills for better returns.

Hope these points have helped you in some way. These points are to help a person from jealousy. If you have some feedback for me. Please do leave it below for my learning. If you don’t like something. Do reply, As all comments are welcomed.

RELATIONSHIPS
By ESTHER MUCHENE | 2 days ago

How to handle jealousy Jealousy is a toxic trait that should be checked in your relationship (Image: Shutterstock)

Some people actually think that when a man or woman is jealous it is a sign he or she loves you.

Well, the truth is, jealousy is a toxic trait you should watch out for because one simple trigger can lead to emotional and physical abuse.

But of course, we can’t ignore that feelings of jealousy are normal and we all experience them from time to time. The problem arises when they get out of control.

Before it negatively affects your relationship, it is important to understand the root cause and how to deal with it.

If you don’t tackle that green eyed monster before it is too late it will destroy everything you have worked so hard to build. It will threaten the trust in your relationship that could be stemming from your own personal insecurities.

Keep reading to discover how you can overcome that jealousy in your relationship before it consumes you:

  • Tame your imagination

ALSO READ

If you allow your mind to run wild it will take you on a rollercoaster ride of your life. Your mind can be a very dangerous tool if you don’t control it.

Once you start suspecting your partner is up to no good or you feel left out for whatever reason, your mind can start creating scenarios that don’t exist. Allow this to continue and you will have all sorts of thoughts without any proof something is wrong.

  • Talk it out

Being in a relationship means sharing what you have including your problems. In a calm manner, allow yourself to be vulnerable and open up to your partner.

Let them know what is causing you anguish and how certain actions they may be doing unknowingly is triggering feelings of jealousy.

Don’t use this opportunity to accuse them or point fingers but as a platform to talk, establish boundaries and make the necessary changes to help both of you feel secure and loved moving forward.

How to handle jealousyHaving a proper channel of communication can save your relationship all the trouble (Image: Shutterstock)

  • Don’t act out

Jealousy may not be an issue until you decide to act on it. Acknowledge the feelings and make smart decisions on how to tackle them without jumping into conclusions and making a fool of yourself and your partner.

Just because he or she is getting attention from members of the opposite sex does not mean that they will cheat on you. There is a reason they chose you so rest knowing that your heart is safe with them.

Unless you are sure something is wrong, don’t act a fool.

  • Identify your triggers

Jealousy could be a problem of the past. Find out whether it is something that goes way back to your childhood or you can trace it back to an ex.

These unresolved issues may be the main problem and until those wounds have healed you will struggle with jealousy.

The best thing to do at this point is to talk to a professional who will diagnose your problem and offer the appropriate coping mechanisms.

  • Keep busy

An idle mind is the devil’s workshop. The best way to deal with your imaginative mind is to keep it busy from irrational doubts.

Instead of flooding your mind with thoughts of what your partner is doing or where they are, with who, occupy your mind with things you love. This could be old hobbies, spending time with the kids or family or some self-love to distract yourself.

The key is to understand the difference.

THE BASICS

  • Understanding Jealousy
  • Find a therapist near me

How to handle jealousy

Envy and jealousy are often conflated. After all, both are destructive feelings that stem from desire and arise within the context of a relationship. Both are toxic. But that might be where the similarities end. More significantly, envy and jealousy originate from different desires; they are destructive in distinct ways, and they are best dealt with using discrete strategies.

Here is a simple example:

In discussing plans for the weekend with her friend, Brit says she has to check with her husband first. Her friend responds curtly, “You don’t have to check-in with him about everything!” Brit is confused and hurt.

Though Brit considers that her friend is in a long-distance relationship and often doesn’t check in with her boyfriend, she senses that something is up with the intensity of her friend’s comment. Brit begins to wonder whether her friend is envious, or maybe jealous.

What is the desire behind the feeling?

The key to understanding whether someone is envious or jealous is to uncover the desire behind the feeling. The difference between envy and jealousy lies in the contrast between desiring to be like someone and desiring to be with someone.

Desiring to be like someone—envy—involves only two people; it is a dyadic relationship. Typically, one person wants to possess some quality that a second person has. In the example above, if Brit’s friend desires to have a relationship like Brit has with her husband, it would indicate that she is envious. Her desire is to be like Brit, at least, as she is in her relationship.

Desiring to be with someone who is with a third person—jealousy—involves three people; it is a triadic relationship. Typically, one person wants a second person all to themselves and feels left out—excluded—when that second person is with a third. If her friend wants Brit all to herself without her husband’s interference, it would indicate that she is jealous. Her desire is to be with Brit.

How is the destructiveness expressed?

The difference between the destructiveness of envy and jealousy hinges on the difference between dyadic and triadic relationships. In a dyadic relationship—between two people—one’s aggression is necessarily aimed at the only other person in the relationship. In jealousy, the negativity is aimed at a third person, even if expressed in the presence of a friend, partner or family member.

In envy, the person we admire is also the object of our hostility. Being esteemed and hated at the same time can be disconcerting. In the above example, if the friend is envious, her hostility would be aimed directly at Brit, perhaps regarding the close relationship Brit has with her husband. As is typical with envy, her friend not only desires what Brit has, but she also wants to ruin it for Brit.

As triadic relationships are inherently more stable, jealousy is less immediately toxic. We can express our desire to be with someone while expressing our negative feelings towards a third person. It allows us to express our loving and hating feelings separately. If Brit’s friend is jealous, she would be able to maintain a loving attitude toward Brit, while focusing her aggression on Brit’s husband. Even though Brit would likely find the jealousy disturbing, at least it would not be directed at her.

THE BASICS

  • Understanding Jealousy
  • Find a therapist near me

What can we do about it?

Ultimately, we are all responsible for our feelings and need to discover how best to regulate them. That said, we can help those in our lives to deal with their feelings by being mindful of their difficulties and making efforts to mitigate our effect on them.

When someone suffers from envy—they want to be like us—we can take care not to mobilize their envy. Although we certainly don’t want to have to downplay what is good in our lives just to suit another person, we can be mindful to provide a balanced picture. In Brit’s case, if her friend is envious of her relationship, Brit could mitigate her friend’s envy by sharing some of the problems she has in her relationship.

When someone suffers from jealousy—they want to be with us—we can mitigate their jealousy by reassuring them of their importance to us. Of course, we don’t want to give in to their jealousy and alienate other people in our lives. But, for example, if her friend is jealous, Brit could take to heart her friend’s difficulty sharing Brit with her husband. Brit can make a point of letting her friend know just how much she appreciates her.

How to handle jealousy

If you are in a relationship, it is natural to feel a little jealous at times, especially if you have very strong feelings for your partner. Occasional jealousy is okay and may even add a little excitement and zest to the relationship. But what to do when this jealousy becomes more frequent and intense and even overwhelming?

Why Do People Get Jealous?

The common evolutionary explanation for jealousy is that men fear sexual infidelity as they want to be absolutely certain that their offspring is actually theirs. Women, are more concerned with emotional infidelity, because they are concerned with their children’s survival and want to make sure that their partner supports their children, provide and protect them.

Today more than ever before, people are afraid of being rejected, not accepted, not being loved and worry about losing people they care for. These feelings of loss are natural. Yet, again, when thought and feelings of jealousy are extreme, they stem partially as a result of insecurities. When fear lessens, so does jealousy. If you experience jealousy very frequently, here are some strategies that will help you out:

1. Don’t Act On Your Feelings

It is hard not to act the way you are feeling. The feeling of jealousy or any other feelings is not the problem, the real trouble starts when you start acting on that jealousy and let it consume you. You can feel the feeling, but do not have to act on it. Remember that your better half is a human being that is actively interacting with the world around him/her. That world contains people of gender that they sexually prefer but that does not mean that they will cheat on you with them. There is a reason why they are in an intimate relationship with you. If they wanted to date other people, they would have done so. So, the next time you feel jealous, accept the feelings, yet change the way you think about the situation and be reasonable and wise.

2. Calm Down and Stay Vulnerable

To love is to be vulnerable. George R.R. Martin said it best “The more people you love, the weaker you are.” What you need to do is to open your heart to your partner, trust whatever comes and keep calm. Yes, it is not easy, but you need to be willing to accept what is beyond your control and trust yourself to deal with the unknown. Remember, you are in the relationship, because you decide to love. It is a choice you make to love your partner and at the same time accept the risks without any qualms or jealousy.

3. Express Your Jealousy in A Soft Way

If you feel that your partner is doing something that is making you jealous, you can express how you feel and talk to them in a mature way. You can also communicate it with humor, diplomacy or directly as long as it is respectful. If you are humorous, you can joke about how insanely jealous you are when your partner pays attention to someone else. Laugh with them as you say this, because it will take the pressure off the topic and will get the message across. When you are diplomatic, you can let them know that you love them a lot and know that they will never cheat on you. And if you are direct, just tell them that you trust them, yet cannot control your feelings and want them to consider how you feel.

4. Appreciate Yourself

One of the main reasons why people get jealous is that they have low self-esteem and insecurity issues. They tend to think that they are not good enough, their partner will realize this, and will leave them for someone else. You need to know that there is a reason why your partner liked you in the first place and got together with you. If you need some reaffirmation or appreciation, don’t hesitate to ask for that too (within reason of-course). The next time you feel jealous, remember that your partner is with you because they want to be with you because of your positive qualities.

5. Heal Your Wounds

People tend to act jealous because of previous relationships too. You might have been hurt before and they might have cheated on you. You have to move beyond your past and realize that you are out of that relationship and in a new one. The person that you are with is not your ex-partner. Understanding the roots, triggers and reasons for your jealousy is an important part of personal growth and maintaining a healthy relationship. Whenever you start feeling jealous, make a conscious effort to heal your old wounds, be more resilient so that your past does not affect your present and future.

6. Trust Your Partner

You must trust your partner, because you have no other option if you want to have a happy and successful relationship. No one can control your partner and you have to let jealousy go. Having some control is not a bad thing, yet trying to control somebody for things over which you have no control, is problematic. Act in a loving manner in spite of feelings of jealousy you experience.

7. Trust Yourself

The best thing that you can do is trust yourself. Trust yourself that you can love deeply and without any regrets. Trust yourself that your love will act like the anchor that will prevent your relationship from floating away. This is not easy, but ultimately when you trust yourself, you trust whatever comes. You feel confidence that you will be able to manage even the most difficult situation, including a breakup or rejection.

In conclusion, jealousy may be destructive and serves as a poison in intimate relationships. If you follow the above suggestions and strategies when feeling jealous, you will be in a better position to build your relationship and deepen the trust.

RELATIONSHIPS
By ESTHER MUCHENE | 2 days ago

How to handle jealousy Jealousy is a toxic trait that should be checked in your relationship (Image: Shutterstock)

Some people actually think that when a man or woman is jealous it is a sign he or she loves you.

Well, the truth is, jealousy is a toxic trait you should watch out for because one simple trigger can lead to emotional and physical abuse.

But of course, we can’t ignore that feelings of jealousy are normal and we all experience them from time to time. The problem arises when they get out of control.

Before it negatively affects your relationship, it is important to understand the root cause and how to deal with it.

If you don’t tackle that green eyed monster before it is too late it will destroy everything you have worked so hard to build. It will threaten the trust in your relationship that could be stemming from your own personal insecurities.

Keep reading to discover how you can overcome that jealousy in your relationship before it consumes you:

  • Tame your imagination

ALSO READ

If you allow your mind to run wild it will take you on a rollercoaster ride of your life. Your mind can be a very dangerous tool if you don’t control it.

Once you start suspecting your partner is up to no good or you feel left out for whatever reason, your mind can start creating scenarios that don’t exist. Allow this to continue and you will have all sorts of thoughts without any proof something is wrong.

  • Talk it out

Being in a relationship means sharing what you have including your problems. In a calm manner, allow yourself to be vulnerable and open up to your partner.

Let them know what is causing you anguish and how certain actions they may be doing unknowingly is triggering feelings of jealousy.

Don’t use this opportunity to accuse them or point fingers but as a platform to talk, establish boundaries and make the necessary changes to help both of you feel secure and loved moving forward.

How to handle jealousyHaving a proper channel of communication can save your relationship all the trouble (Image: Shutterstock)

  • Don’t act out

Jealousy may not be an issue until you decide to act on it. Acknowledge the feelings and make smart decisions on how to tackle them without jumping into conclusions and making a fool of yourself and your partner.

Just because he or she is getting attention from members of the opposite sex does not mean that they will cheat on you. There is a reason they chose you so rest knowing that your heart is safe with them.

Unless you are sure something is wrong, don’t act a fool.

  • Identify your triggers

Jealousy could be a problem of the past. Find out whether it is something that goes way back to your childhood or you can trace it back to an ex.

These unresolved issues may be the main problem and until those wounds have healed you will struggle with jealousy.

The best thing to do at this point is to talk to a professional who will diagnose your problem and offer the appropriate coping mechanisms.

  • Keep busy

An idle mind is the devil’s workshop. The best way to deal with your imaginative mind is to keep it busy from irrational doubts.

Instead of flooding your mind with thoughts of what your partner is doing or where they are, with who, occupy your mind with things you love. This could be old hobbies, spending time with the kids or family or some self-love to distract yourself.

How to handle jealousy

The working world can be tough. You have to stand out if you want to get ahead. Sometimes, that means catching some jealousy from the people you work with. There are ways to get ahead without everyone plastering gum on your “Employee of the Month” picture. You want to impress the bosses without losing respect. What are you supposed to do when the rest of the team is green with envy? Here are ten tactics for how to deal with jealous coworkers.

1. Check Yourself

Ask yourself, did I provoke this? Self-reflection on the situation won’t hurt. It’s possible you could be coming off less-than-humble to the people you work with. Did you brag too much after that promotion? That could be the culprit. What signs are your coworkers putting out?

2. Silence Is Golden

If you feel the need to brag, do it outside of the workplace. You don’t want to come off as arrogant to those around you in the office. Nobody can misquote silence.

3. Keep Up The Good Work

Don’t slack off, even if others are jealous of you. You still have responsibilities and other depend on you to get things done. The jealousy could be over what a great job you’ve been doing. If that’s the case, then keep it up!

4. Don’t Take It Personally

Most of the time, jealousy stems from that person’s own insecurities rather than something you did. Next time you have to deal with it, try to remember that the person may be dealing with their own feelings of inadequacy. Your success is a threat to their self-worth.

5. Be A Leader

If you’re recognized for doing something well, why not share the wealth and offer to teach the people around you? You’ll come off like a team player and strengthen the group as a whole.

6 Give A Shoutout

Have a group email to send out? Throw out a “Thank You” to the jealous person. Jealousy doesn’t necessarily make them a bad worker. Recognizing their hard work will signal that you’re not out to get them and that you appreciate the effort they put in.

7. Focus On Supportive People

You can’t please everyone. You’re better off giving your energy to people who appreciate what you have to offer. Surround yourself with people that encourage you and whose opinion you value.

8. Don’t Apologize

Empathy is a good thing. But why shouldn’t you be proud of yourself? You earned your way to be where you are and have worked hard to get there. Don’t slow down now just because someone got a little envious.

9. Shift Perspective

If they’re being petty, avoid getting sucked into their game. Remember that jealousy can speak of immaturity. Maybe that person has a lot more to learn about life and dealing with people before they’ll advance.

10. Just Ignore It

What’s the big deal? Jealousy is a byproduct of success. Don’t let the opinions of others hold you back. The jealousy might just go away if you don’t feed into it.

It takes a lot to make it these days in the workplace. The higher you climb, the more critics you’ll inevitably have. A jealous coworker shouldn’t hold you back from the success you have been waiting for. Use these tactics for dealing with jealous coworkers and you’ll never worry about an office feud again.