What are some signs you might be a lesbian? Is there a test to see if you are a lesbian or not? When you are questioning your sexuality and wondering if you are a lesbian or not, you may be hoping there are certain signs that will help you figure it out. Although this is not a sure-fire test, if you experience three or more of these eight signs, you might be a lesbian. It’s worth investigating further.
These are a few signs that you might be a lesbian or bisexual. Of course, there is no 100% sure way to tell. Discovering your sexual orientation takes time and self-exploration. Be patient with yourself and give yourself the time you need to figure it out.
When You're On a Date with a Guy, You're Thinking About Your Female Best Friend
When you’re on a date with a guy, you’re thinking about how you can’t wait until it’s over so you can call your BFF–Not to tell her about the date, but to hear her voice and listen to how her day was. And then to make a plan to see her soon. All of this before you plan a second date with the dude.
Your Eyes are Drawn to Women in Movies
When you watch movies, your eyes are drawn to the female lead and not the hunky male. You can’t help noticing how beautiful she is and you watch the movie over and over just to see that one moment where the camera closes in on her slightly parted lips and all you can think about is kissing them.
You See Women Everywhere
When you’re out on the town or at the mall, you tend to notice girls first and eventually you notice that there’s a man there too. You do this before you even think. It's an instinct.
Most of Your Friends Are Women
You seek out girls and women for friendships, conversations, support, and fun. All of your best friends are women, except maybe a few sensitive or gay men.
You've Questioned Your Sexuality
You’ve asked yourself “Am I a lesbian?” “Am I gay?” “Am I bisexual?” If you’re asking yourself these questions, it’s a sign that you could be lesbian or bisexual. People who are not attracted to the same sex don’t tend to ask themselves if they are gay or not.
You've Fallen in Love with a Woman.
You’ve had a relationship with a woman and it was great. It’s over now and so you don’t know if it was a one-off thing or if you’re a lesbian for real. If you’ve had one relationship with a woman, chances are you have the capability to fall in love with a woman again, even if you’ve dated men before or since.
Lesbian Love Stories Get to You
You get tingly feelings when you read lesbian romance or watch lesbian romantic movies. When you watch a romantic movie or read a lesbian romance novel, you feel something deep inside when the couple kisses for the first time. You imagine yourself in a similar situation and it makes you feel happy and good inside. You have a sense of longing that echoes that of the heroines of the romance.
You’ve Kissed a Girl and You Liked It.
Although you don’t need to have kissed someone or had sex to know if you are a lesbian or not, if you have and you liked it, that’s a positive sign that you might be a lesbian. It is especially a good sign if when you’re kissing you feel a desire to go further than just kissing.
Although there are no sure-fire ways to tell if a woman is interested in you, there are some signs that may reveal the truth. It may be difficult to determine if a woman is just being polite or actually has the hots for you. Bisexual and lesbian women may especially go out of their way to point out their sexuality if they like you. For instance, she may bring up what it’s like to be LGBTQ+ and what it was like to first come out. This is just one sign of her hinting that she likes you.
Signs That a Woman Likes You
One of the most common things a woman who likes you will do is try to make direct eye contact. When you glance her way, see if you catch her looking back at you. These are all signs that she may be intrigued. However, it may not be in a romantic way. Pay attention to the context to see if these are clues that the lesbian at the bar is into you or it's just an employee at work gazing in your direction.
Additionally, notice if she's making any physical moves. If she makes it a point to be with you, she might be trying to get closer. It can happen in many situations:
- Noticing a woman always sitting next to you in staff meetings at work
- Seeing a friend constantly take the seat right next to or across from you
- Consistently coming up to you in person to ask a question or start a conversation
- Finding ways to lightly touch you, like on the knee
Similarly, if a woman is making a consistent effort to engage with you, she might be trying to let you know she fancies you. For instance, she may always come by your cubicle at work to check in on a project, when it can easily be talked about through email. Perhaps this lady always shows up at your softball games, at the club where you bartend, or outside of your classroom. These are all signs she could be into you. Then again, it could just be another co-worker, boss, or classmate. Pay attention to the details in these situations and go with your gut.
Signals That Show She's Into You
One of thing a woman might do when she likes you is constantly laugh at your jokes. If she does so (especially if you believe they're not very funny) it's possible that she is interested in you. If she's more forward and finds ways to physically touch you, it could be another sign. Examples of physical touch include touching your hand when asking to see your ring, sitting close to you on the couch, and giving your shoulder a squeeze when you pass by her.
Of course, if you find that she’s constantly complimenting you, she’s probably flirting with you. Flirting includes compliments like saying you have pretty eyes or a nice smile. If she says nice things about material items like your shirt or shoes, it’s possible that she’s just being friendly. Consider if she’s acting a certain way toward only you, or if she is generally a touchy and flirty person.
Additional signs that she might like you:
- She constantly talks about her queer experience, what your experience was like, what it’s like to come out, and otherwise brings up the topic of gender frequently.
- Observing that she’s very socially or physically awkward when she’s around you. She might be nervous or shy.
- Remembering the tiny things you say. If she brings up little details that you’ve told her in the past, this could be a sign that she’s going out of her way to really get to know you.
- Initiating physical touch, especially in more intimate areas. This includes affectionate and romantic gestures, like helping you put on your necklace, fixing your hair, and trying to hold or cuddle you.
Listen to Your Instinct
It’s hard to know if someone likes you as a friend or something more. If she’s constantly joking around with you, she could have a great sense of humor or uses her jokes as an icebreaker. If she likes you, she’ll probably take some action by teasing, joking, and/or flirting with you.
Ultimately, you need to go with your intuition. Often, the energy between two people is palpable. Feel for it, but understand that you can never be sure if it's one-sided. Of course, the only real way to find out if she likes you is to ask her. If you get intimate, however, things are definitely looking up.
Implement good boundaries. If you're wondering if a co-worker is interested, you can ask her to hang out outside of work. Don't hit on her while in the office, as this is highly inappropriate and uncomfortable for other parties.
Whatever you choose to do, use caution. While many signs may add up to her liking you, take it slow and get to know her better. Otherwise, it’s possible that you’ll do something rash or foolish. Finally, you may decide to ask her if she’s gay or bisexual. She may not even know yet herself, but if you come out to her first, she may have a suggestive response.
This article was co-authored by Marissa Floro, PhD. Dr. Marissa Floro, Ph.D. is a Psychologist and Instructor at Stanford University’s Weiland Health Initiative and adjunct faculty at the University of San Francisco. Dr. Floro received her Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from Loyola University Chicago, focusing on the intersections of race, attraction, and gender. Dr. Floro’s continued clinical, teaching, and advocacy work focuses on sexual and gender diversity, racial identity and belonging, and liberation from oppressive systems and structures.
There are 9 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.
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Becoming comfortable in your sexuality is an important and personal journey. If you have realized that you are bisexual, you might be wondering how to tell other people. The most important thing is being comfortable with yourself and your sexuality. Figure out whether or not you’re ready to come out as bisexual. If you are, you should choose someone trustworthy and supportive to tell. Keep the conversation honest and positive, and you’ll be likely to have a constructive conversation. You may also want to say something at first to settle them down or make them comfortable with you then you should ask them if they and they’re family is okay with those kind of people, if they say that they and they’re family is okay with it then you should tell them and be as honest as you can be.
All parents want what’s best for their kids. But providing support isn’t always easy — especially if you are the parent of a lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or questioning (LGBTQ) child. In many ways no different from their peers, LGBTQ youth face some unique challenges that parents often feel unprepared to tackle. To help, Johns Hopkins pediatricians and adolescent medicine specialists Renata Arrington Sanders and Errol Fields share steps you can take to keep your kid happy and healthy.
Let them know they are loved
For many LGBTQ youth, breaking the news to mom and dad is the scariest part of coming out. “Time and time again, we hear the same thing from patients: ‘Once my parents are behind me, I can handle anything else the world throws at me,’” Dr. Fields explains. “You’re their anchor, and your acceptance is key. In fact, research shows that LGBTQ adolescents who are supported by their families grow up to be happier and healthier adults.”
You don’t need to be an expert in all things LGBTQ to let them know you care. “There’s no right or wrong way to express love,” reminds Dr. Sanders. “Just be present and be open.” Even if you’re not sure what to say, something as simple as, “I’m here for you. I love you, and I will support you no matter what” can mean the world to your child.
As you’re likely well aware, getting your kids to open up can feel impossible. Dr. Sanders and Dr. Fields say the best way to do this is to build trust and start small. “Be curious about their life,” advises Dr. Sanders. Get to know their friends and what they like to do. Ask them how their day went and if they learned anything interesting in school. If it’s like pulling teeth at times, don’t be discouraged. Children really do want to be able to talk to parents about what’s going on in their lives.
These conversations may seem like no-brainers, but staying connected to your child’s world makes it easier for them to approach you with bigger, more complex issues, like sexuality. The more you communicate with your child, the more comfortable they’ll feel.
How to Get Them Talking
You can’t always rely on your children to initiate these exchanges, though. When you feel something needs to be discussed, try being less direct. “Adolescents often have a hard time talking about themselves. Instead, bring up their friends or characters you encounter while watching age-appropriate movies or television together,” suggests Dr. Sanders.
Today’s media provide plenty of teachable moments for parents to seize. While it may seem less personal, it is an opportunity to broach sensitive topics in a way that’s not so scary. For instance, if a movie has a bisexual character, spark a conversation by saying, “The character in this show is attracted to boys and girls. That’s OK with me. What do you think?”
Learn the facts
“When we speak with parents, we hear a lot of misconceptions about gender and sexual orientation,” says Sanders. Empower your parenting with what experts know:
- It’s not “just a phase.” Embrace — don’t dismiss — their evolving sense of self.
- There is no “cure.” It’s not something that needs to be fixed.
- Don’t look for blame. Instead, celebrate your child and all that they are.
Stay involved with the school
Kids spend almost as much time in the classroom as they do at home. Here’s what you can do to make sure they feel comfortable there, too.
- Advocate for a gay-straight alliance (GSA), which has been shown to make schools safer and boost academic performance among LGBTQ students.
- Maintain frequent contact with teachers. That way, you’ll know when issues arise.
- Push for more inclusive sex education. Very few states allow schools to provide LGBTQ students with the information they need to be safe and healthy. Be aware of these knowledge gaps so that you can fill them yourself.
- Above all, don’t hesitate to speak up. “Parents forget that they have a huge voice in the school system. You do have power,” Dr. Sanders emphasizes. “If there’s a problem and the school isn’t taking your concerns seriously, go to the principal or even the school board.”
Look out for signs of bullying
Bullying is a problem for many students, but LGBTQ youth in particular are often targeted for being different. If you see these signs, reach out to a teacher, guidance counselor or school administrator:
- Behavior change (e.g., your outgoing, sociable child is now withdrawn)
- Discipline or behavioral problems in school
- Declining grades
- Unexplained absences
- Sudden shifts in who’s a friend and who’s not
- Engagement in risk behavior (e.g., drug use, new sexual partner) that is out of character for your child
Take a team approach
Providing support can be challenging at times. It’s OK to be stressed, confused or surprised — but don’t pull back when you’re needed most. “Some parents feel so overwhelmed that they just throw up their hands and say, ‘I can’t do it.’ It’s a lot for parents to process, but don’t leave your kid in the lurch,” urges Dr. Sanders.
“Remember, your child is having more difficulty with this than you are,” says Dr. Fields, “and your duty as a parent comes first.” If you’re struggling, reach out for help. Team up with a pediatrician, a counselor at school, close family members and even community organizations — for example, Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) — if you’re having trouble going it alone.
Ensure they form healthy relationships
As kids become teens, it’s OK for them to develop interest in other boys and girls their age. “Dating is daunting for most parents — especially parents of LGBTQ youth — but it’s an important part of adolescent development for all children,” assures Dr. Fields. To keep them safe, be involved and stay connected. “By encouraging your kid to date in a way that’s healthy and age-appropriate, you send a powerful message: LGBTQ relationships are normal, and there’s nothing to hide or be ashamed of,” explains Dr. Fields.
Stay on top of social media
Because they’re often discouraged from being open about their sexual orientation and gender identity, some LGBTQ individuals rely on social media and phone applications to meet others. Many social platforms and apps provide LGBTQ youth an inclusive space to connect with friends and allies, but some (especially dating apps) include content that is inappropriate for teens. Monitor what they’re doing on their devices and talk to them about phone and social media use, recommends Dr. Fields.
“More importantly,” says Dr. Fields, “understand that kids turn to these apps if they feel like they don’t have anyone to talk to. Be available so that your child doesn’t need to look elsewhere for guidance and support.”
Another day, another study proving that people have some weird AF misconceptions about bisexuality. New research published in The Journal of Sex Research shows, like many other studies, that bisexual women are more likely to be thought of in a negative light than other women.
The study asked 261 heterosexual participants (154 men and 107 women) to provide descriptions of heterosexual women, lesbians, and bisexual women. They also were presented with descriptions of two characters on a date and asked to give an evaluation. And the results? Well, they won’t come as a surprise to any bisexual women out there. Bisexual women were described as more confused and promiscuous than other women. They were also evaluated as more neurotic, more extroverted, and more open to experiences. Now, not all of those are bad things — but good or bad, they all have literally nothing to do with being bisexual. The study also found that these stereotypes are not learned by seeing bisexual behavior, but rather come through assumptions about bisexuality. In other words, they’re just prejudices with no basis in reality.
As a bisexual woman, this all sounds all too familiar to me. Bisexual women are often thought of as either greedy or going through a phase — or, even worse, "faking it" to impress a guy. We run into these misconceptions all the time. But it’s time to stop perpetuating these stereotypes and start talking about what it’s actually like to be bisexual. Here are seven things you should know.
It’s Not An Exact Science
Some people think that being bisexual means your sexual experiences have to be 50/50. Seriously, if you say you’re bisexual people want the receipts. They want to know how many men and women you’ve slept with, how long you check out a man versus a woman, and of course, "WHO DO YOU LOOK AT FIRST?!"
But it’s not an exact science. I probably was more man-leaning for a while, but then it shifted. Some people never act on their bisexuality at all, but that doesn’t make them any less bisexual.
It also may take a while to realize that you’re bisexual, or you might know right away. And that’s OK, too. I know bi people who didn’t have any experiences with women until their 30s, but that doesn’t make them any less valid.
Bisexual People Have Higher Rates Of Mental Health Issues Than Straight Or Gay Folks
Although a lot of people think bisexual people are basically just whining about bi-erasure, there are some real problems in the bisexual community. Studies have shown that bisexuals have higher rates of anxiety, depression, and even suicidal tendencies than straight or gay people. Part of the problem is not feeling like we belong in the straight or queer community, and another part of the problem is that we feel uncomfortable seeking help set aside for LGBTQ folks. Either way, it means people aren’t getting the help they need — and that’s an issue.
It Can Be Hard Navigating The Queer Community
One of the reasons bisexuals don’t seek help meant for queer people is that not everyone in the queer community is cool with bisexuals. Some people think it’s just a matter of time before we retreat back into our heterosexual privilege — or that we’re just experimenting. It can be really stressful finding out where you belong. My girlfriend is a lesbian and, though her close friends were all very welcoming, many of those in her wider LGBTQ circle made it clear they were skeptical of me because I was bi. It was a rocky transition.
It gets even rockier when you consider the fact that we still experience queer-phobia. When men shout "dyke" at my girlfriend and I or try to have a threesome with us, it’s really upsetting. But I feel like I’m not allowed to be upset or talk to other gay people about it because I won’t be taken seriously.
Some People Straight Up Won’t Date Us
One of the ways people made it clear they weren’t convinced about me and my girlfriend as a couple was by making it very known that they refused to date bisexuals. Yes, that’s a thing. Some people, regardless of gender and orientation, just straight up say no to you if you’re a bisexual.
In fact, on some female-focused dating apps women can request on their settings not to see bisexuals at all. I mean, I wouldn’t want to end up on a date with someone who wouldn’t want to date me, but it’s still not a nice feeling to know that other women who are attracted to women would rule you out automatically.
We Are Not Confused, Horny, Or Greedy
. Or if we are, it had nothing to do with our bisexuality. Some bisexuals want to have sex with everyone and some are relatively asexual. Some are outgoing, and some are shy. I’m greedy if you put a pizza in front of me, but that’s not because I’m bisexual — it’s because I love bread.
We Don’t "Transform" Into Gay Or Straight When We Get Into A Relationship
People suddenly thought that when I started dating my girlfriend that I became a lesbian overnight. Even men that I had sex with for years wondered if it meant I actually secretly hated their penis the whole time. Now, there were obviously some issues with them feeling threatened or emasculated, but this is really common.
So let me say this for the people in the back: we’re still bi. Whoever we’re dating, whoever we’re having sex with or not having sex with, we’re still bi. I’m always bi, just like I’m always a Gryffindor. You can fly that effing flag as high as you want.
It’s *Not* A Phase
Some people might experiment sexually and find out they don’t like something — and that’s fine, that’s what experimenting is for. But bisexuality is an orientation, it’s not a phase. One study found that 92 percent of people who identified as bisexual still identified as bisexual a decade later. That is not a phase.
Being bisexual is not something I’ve ever felt ashamed of, but I’ve definitely found it challenging at times because of people’s assumptions and treatment. It’s 2018. It’s time to get over these misconceptions about being bisexual. If you want to know the truth about what it’s really like, we’re here — just ask us.
Generally speaking, it is much easier to spot a gay man than it is to spot a lesbian, because it is easier for women to conceal their sexual orientations than it is for men. Some even go as far as suggesting that there may be no lesbians (don't let anyone deceive you).
LGBT people, just like straight people come in different types and sizes. The easiest way to ascertain the sexuality of anyone you meet is by asking, but that, also can be a little bit intimidating. This article is aimed at helping you know how to spot a lesbian and the sexuality of anyone you meet without embarrassing the person. You can also learn a little bit of the lesbian lifestyle and culture in the long run.
How to Spot a Lesbian: 6 Methods to Help You Spot a Lesbian
We are all entitled to wear whatever hairstyle we deem fit, but some hairstyles are purely for lesbians and can hardly be mistaken.
The first point to note is that no straight woman will wear a Mohawk or faux hawk. So whenever you see any woman wearing this haircut, it is a clear indication that she is definitely a lesbian. The second clear point is that every short hair is quite suspicious, though not a clear indication that one is gay, so judge cautiously. The third point to note is that if she is not a model in one futuristic-themed event fashion show, or acting as a character in an animated film, or into some Cosplay, wearing too much hair gel shows she may not be a straight girl.
Any girl you see wearing a barber's cut or military cut with lots of hair gel in it is usually 80% lesbian, except the ones that have been enlisted in the armed forces. The fourth point to note is that Messy bob and bieber-ish cuts accentuated with a Nirvanna smiley shirt, Vans, hoodie, DC and penny boards is a way of saying I'm not ashamed of being a lesbian.
And lastly, wearing an I don't give a fuck anymore or an asymmetrical cut and a shaved hair can also help identify a lexbo. However, some possible exceptions include that she recently broke up with her boyfriend, she is going through life crisis, she takes a lot of pills and drugs or is part of then Britney fans club. Else, she might be a lesbian.
Nota bene: Not all lesbians carry this type of hairdo but most often, women who carry it are lesbians.
Just like hair, clothes won't help you understand if a woman is fighting for the same team. However, there are some exceptions to this:
Once you sight a woman wearing a hat or T-shirt that reads, Vegetarian, or I'm a lesbian, the normal thing to assume is that she is deep into women.
Any woman you see adorning a tans right or gay t-shirt, a pink or rainbow triangle pin, or some marriage equality sticker, she is either trying to be identified as an ally or LGBT. It is still not easy to know her sexuality except she tells you, but you don't have to feel unsafe about opening yourself to him.
This is quite self-explanatory! Having sex with a woman that maintains a long and sharp fingernails is most unlikely. So if you do not derive any pleasure from pain, search for lesbians with sharp and trimmed nails. If the particular lady you are interested in has some half-inch long nails, it is obvious she is not a lesbian.
Nota bene: If she has long nails and appears to be a gay, take a look at her middle or index finger. These two fingers are the working fingers. Once you trim these two fingers, there are chances that she could be gay. Nail extensions and all artificial nails are not options here. Once you see this, it simply shows that she is more straight than a ruler.
If she is in the habit of spreading her legs more than she should while in a sitting position, like she has a willy in between her legs or walks like a guy, she is probably a lesbian. If she is in the habit of walking while slouching her shoulders like she is trying to hide her bosom, with her legs widely spread and in a somewhat sluggish bouncing pace like she has inbuilt air pumps in them, it is another sign that she might be lesbo.
Does she practice the flirtatious dyke smile most often, it is a sign of her sexual preference. Doing the dyke smile is easy; simply use the fusion of a lingering eye contact, bent head and controlled smile. You don't still get it right? Don't worry, when you see it, you will know it. Also, is she always staring lingeringly for an unusually long time?
If your answers are all yesses, then it is accurate to assume she is a lesbian. Liking her lips during conversation, touching herself, sitting a bit too close, touching her nose often, etc., are some other signs that she is lesbo.
For the question of how to spot a lesbian, always pay attention to those seemingly insignificant signs. Take note of how the others flirt with you, hit on you, or pass the message that they would want to date you, and watch if any of your close friends does any of these things to women. Some potential signs that they feel attraction for only women are:
Making use of seemingly solicitous body languages with fellow women such as touching, staying close, and checking out other women
Preferring contact with homosocial
Making comments and jokes about dating or feeling attraction for fellow women
Never talking of feeling any attraction for a man
Let us now move to the more important part: like we know, the way to really understand a lady's sexual preferences is by popping the question. This is one very intimidating task, mostly if you think the lady is cute and lose your composure around her. Below are some effective tips to help you begin and sustain a conversation without sounding rude or invading her privacy. The main key here is to create an enabling environment that makes people feel safe whenever they are with you to enable them talk about their private lives easily.
Take note of her pronouns. When talking about an ex or present partner, does she say her ex-boyfriend or simply her ex?
Take note of your pronouns. If you are gay, bi, or pan, and feel comfortable coming to this girl, always talk about your ex-girlfriend or the girl I once went out with, and see how she relates. When asking her about her love life, don't ask her if she has a boyfriend. Rather, say something like, are you presently seeing someone? Do this with everyone you have around you. It will amaze you to discover the number of people that would appreciate you didn't tag them gays.
My oldest daughter is in college, and she’s always been a great kid: quiet, respectful, great grades, never gets in trouble. Her father and I told her that we’ll pay her tuition as long as she attends church weekly, and she agreed after offering a little more resistance than we’re used to with her. She’s sent us links to the websites for the churches she’s trying out, and I’ve noticed a running theme: They’re all “open and affirming” to the LGBTQ community. She also shuts down whenever I bring up boyfriends or boys in general (and she’s never dated a boy, as far as I know), and seems bothered by anti-gay comments and sermons she hears. I’m worried that she might be gay and doesn’t feel comfortable telling us because of some comments her father has made in the past. I accept that I’m to blame too, because I never spoke up when her father said something derogatory, but it’s never something I’ve had to worry about. I’m not sure what to do. We’re already at odds over the election, but I still love her even if she is gay. The thing is, I really don’t want her to be. How can I be supportive of this?
—Daughter Might Be Gay
You acknowledge that you’re partially to blame for your daughter’s distance. That’s an important first step. You must realize you cannot make your daughter one whit less gay by wishing she were straight. Nor can you make her less gay by keeping quiet when her father or pastor says something homophobic or by repeatedly asking if she has a boyfriend. These actions have likely left you with a daughter who avoids you, who keeps you at arm’s length, who thinks of you as someone she cannot trust emotionally, and who, if you aren’t able to find a way to be supportive of her, will keep her head down, get her degree paid for, then move across the country and take your calls only a few times a year.
Your daughter may be gay or bisexual, but she may also be straight and merely disturbed by the anti-gay sentiment your church espouses. It is entirely possible that she is heterosexual and has simply not dated any boys and wants to belong to a religious community that affirms LGBTQ personhood. Even if that’s the case, you would still need to take further steps to earn back her trust. Do not let the only thing you ever say to your daughter about homophobia be nothing. Tell her that you regret never speaking up in the past when you’ve heard anti-gay slurs, that you were wrong to let homophobia go unremarked-upon, and that your love for her is not conditionally based upon her presumed heterosexuality. Support your daughter by overtly telling her that you support her, not that you would still love her “even if she is gay.” When you tell someone, “I still love you even if you are gay,” what you are really saying is this: “Obviously being gay is worse than being straight. It would be an obstacle in the way of my love for you, but I am willing to overlook it.” Say, rather, “I love you, and I’m so sorry that I’ve let you infer by my silence, that I would love you less if you were a lesbian.”
Gay Teens Have Different Experiences When their Crushes is Straight
Over 800 GLBT teens have shared their experiences having a crush on someone straight. These crushes can go a lot of different ways from ending in a romance, to staying forever unrequited. Here teens reveal their experiences in different crush situations.
The Unrequited Crush
Though it is perfectly normal to have a crush on someone straight, it is likely that that person will never return your feelings. How you handle this reality will vary from person to person. As one teen writes,
The Crush Where You Get Mixed Signals
What happens when you get mixed signals from your crush? Say they say they are straight, but then get physical or even make-out with you? That's what happened to these teens.
As the first one, a 16-year-old bisexual cheerleader says:
Another teen, this one a boy is in a similar position. He explains:
When Your Straight Crush Starts Dating Your Friend
One of the worst things that can happen is when your straight crush starts dating your opposite sex friend.
As one high schooler says:
When Revealing a Crush to a Straight Friend Harms the Friendship
It is really common for teens yo develop crushes on close friends. This isn't surprising since some of the qualities that draw you to a buddy can also be a romantic draw. But crushing on a pal can have its downsides.
We’re always hearing that we could be having better sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship. But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist, to help us out with the details. No gender, sexual orientation, or question is off limits, and all questions will remain anonymous. Please send your sex and relationship inquiries to [email protected] Now, onto today’s topic: how to meet other women if you’re a femme lesbian.
Q: “I need some dating advice. I’m a lesbian. I present as pretty average cis-gender white girl, and I’m on the femme side. I don’t offer a lot of visual cues to anyone who may be interested that I am indeed a lesbian. I have mostly met women online, where it is easy to make my orientation obvious. I’m fine with online dating, but I want to be able to meet women in person too. How do I make it clear that I’m a lesbian looking for sex and relationships with women? How do I find other lesbian women?”
A: Thanks for the question! This is an issue that many femme lesbians identify with. It’s frustrating to know that people constantly assume that you’re straight. Plus, trying to find another woman to date can feel like an even more frustrating numbers game at times. Here are nine tips for femme lesbians who are tired of feeling invisible.
You’re Not Alone
I hope you can take some small comfort in knowing that you’re not alone! Queer invisibility is one of the most common frustrations that femme lesbians complain about. Even women who think they present as obviously gay still feel invisible at times. The unfortunate reality about dating, and really the world in general, is that we all have the tendency to make assumptions about other people. And we make a lot of assumptions too — about a person’s race, their gender, their socioeconomic status, their sexual orientation, their sexual interests, and so on. We all want to be seen for who we are, but sometimes that can feel practically impossible.
Don’t Change Yourself
You didn’t mention this in your question, but I hope you’re not feeling any sort of pressure to change your appearance. One of the realities of being femme is that more people will make assumptions that you’re straight. But being femme is also an integral part of what makes you, you. Don’t change that! And keep in mind that even women who seem “obviously” lesbian have a different set of assumptions made about them that they have to deal with.
Assumption-making is so prevalent that I can guarantee you you’ve done it too. There have definitely been other femme lesbians you’ve met that you assumed were straight, and probably even some not-so-femme ones too. One way you can purposefully combat your own sexual orientation assumption-making is to try to ask questions. This also sends cues to other people to check their own assumptions. If you strike up a conversation with a woman you’re attracted to, come out and ask her, “People always makes assumptions about me, so I’m trying not to make assumptions about others. Are you into women?”
Bring It Up In Conversations
You can also bring up your sexual orientation in more subtle ways, by working it into the conversation. You can say something like, “I went on a few dates with a girl who [fill in the blank].” You can adapt that sentence to fit almost any conversation, especially if you’re fine with telling little white lies. “You like the Cavaliers? Damn, I can’t seem to escape Cavaliers fans. I just went on a date with a woman who was one of the most obsessed fans I’ve ever met.” Or you can ask a woman if she’s ever been to a well-known lesbian bar or event in your area. Try to come up with a few ideas that you can always keep in your back pocket. It might feel kinda silly to try to work lesbian “clues” into the conversation, but it will pay off when you talk to a woman who responds, “Oh wow, you’re into women too? I thought I was the only one here.”
Turn To Your Friends
Your friends can be great support systems in finding new romantic interests. Ask your gay and straight friends if they know any cute lesbian girls they could set you up with. If you have lesbian friends, ask them how they meet women in your area. Pair up with your lesbian friends and serve as each other’s wing women. At the very least, having a little more understanding and support can feel very comforting.
Go To Gay Bars
OK, here’s an obvious tip — go hang out at your nearest lesbian or LGBTQ bar. It can be such a big relief to know that the numbers game is stacked much more in your favor. Even if you don’t meet someone you’re attracted to, you can still meet new friends. It’s always good to expand your social circle, and a new friend can help you meet new women or just help you feel more supported in your quest.
Look For Events
Invisibility is a pretty big issue in the lesbian community, and there are a lot of women who feel the exact same way you do. See if you can find a lesbian specific dating event in your community. LGBTQ bars are always good places to turn to, but you can also look at community centers, local LGBTQ magazines or newsletters, or MeetUp.com.
Or Organize One
If you can’t find an event in your community, why not organize one? It could be a great way to meet new women, make new friends, and give back to your community, all in one.
Don’t Write Off Online Dating
Realistically, online dating is probably going to be one of your best bets right now. Online dating is so popular, and a lot of people feel more comfortable putting themselves out there online as opposed to in person. You may even find it refreshing at times to fully put yourself out there. You can definitely make more of an effort to meet women in real life, but don’t write off online dating altogether. You can even write on your profile that you’re looking to move things into the real world as soon as possible, and only using online dating to try to meet women.