How to deal with having a gay parent

Last updated: June 3, 2020 References approved

This article was written by Inge Hansen, PsyD. Dr. Inge Hansen, PsyD, is director of wellness at Stanford University and the Weiland Health Initiative. Dr. Hansen is professionally interested in social justice, gender and sexual diversity. She earned her PsyD from the California School of Occupational Psychology through specialized training in the area of ​​gender and sexual identity. She is co-author of The Ethical Sellout: Maintaining Your Integrity in the Age of Compromise.

This article cites 19 references that can be found at the bottom of the page.

wikiHow marks an article as Reader Approved when it receives enough positive feedback. This article received 15 references and 83% of readers who voted found it helpful, earning reader approval status.

This article was viewed 396,773 times.

Living with homophobic parents can be a painful and difficult situation. Whether you are gay, have a loved one or friend who is or simply supports the LGBT movement in general, dealing with intolerance is difficult. If your parents have said or done homophobic things in the past, you can try to understand their point of view and work to change them. Then you can decide if you want to talk to your parents. However, make sure you have a plan in case they have a negative reaction. It can also be helpful to learn how to stand up for your right to be yourself and to love whoever you want.

Stacy Feintuch, a mother of two in suburban New Jersey, said she didn’t know what happened when her eldest daughter, Amanda, 17, started retiring.

“I confronted her and said, ‘You need to talk to me,’” Feintuch said: “She said, ‘It’s not what you think. I’m fine, it’s not that.”

"Non posso dirtelo, non posso dirtelo."

Feintuch said his thoughts were racing: "Are you pregnant? Are you in trouble? Finally, Amanda buried her head in her pillow and said," I’m gay. "

“I was just stunned, just shocked. It wasn’t even a thought in my head, Feintuch said. “I said, which ended up being the absolute wrong thing to say, ‘Why do you think this?’ He started yelling at me.

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“I said: ‘Take a breath, I didn’t mean anything by it. I love you. I’m shocked, I just want to talk to you about this.”

Amanda calmed down and luckily they talked.

Although Feintuch sees herself as the acceptor, she still experienced immediate stress and shock when her baby came out to see her. That’s not uncommon. A new study by researchers at George Washington University has found that most parents of young lesbians, gays and bisexuals have a hard time adjusting after their children are gone.

The study says it is one of the first to systematically examine the experiences of parents raising lesbian, gay and bisexual children. David Huebner, one of the study’s lead authors and a public health professor at George Washington University, said his team approached the study with a question: “Can we identify the families that most need intervention to support the families and protect the kids?”

The study found that African American and Latin American parents find it more difficult to accept their lesbian, gay and bisexual children, as well as parents of children born in old age.

The study, which surveyed a much larger sample size than previous studies, confirmed smaller studies that showed parents’ negative reactions tend to ease over time; the first two years are the most difficult for parents.

There were no significant differences in the responses of the mother and father, the age of the parent or the sex of the child. The study did not investigate the responses of parents of transgender children.

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Overall, the acceptance of lesbian, gay and bisexual youth appears to be growing rapidly. “We have seen people improve in respecting LGBT rights, we have seen political progress, we have seen concrete political progress and we have seen a change in attitudes at the population level,” said Huebner. “I think for parents, when you’re confronted with your own child who you love so fiercely, I think that reaction in that moment is a very personal one, and it’s one that’s hard to predict from public opinion.”

After Amanda left, Feintuch told her daughter that she was worried her life would become more difficult after struggling with depression in high school. “I was hoping that now your time would get easier and your life would get easier and it scares me that it will be harder.”

“She says,” It’s not like when you grew up. There are many children in my school who are gay. It’s not a big deal, “Feintuch said.” I had to remember that earlier. And I thought, “This is what her life is going to be like and it’s going to be okay.”

"Ci è voluto circa un anno prima che Amanda fosse tipo, OK, decisamente al 100 percento, e poi ha avuto una ragazza, e poi ho visto tutto collegato."

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Huebner said his study was the first to measure these responses and that previous studies of parents of LGBTQ parents have mostly been recruited from accepting and friendly backgrounds such as PFLAG, an organization for LGBTQ parents.

“I think we’ve made a huge improvement here: 80 percent [of the survey respondents] have never been in a support group, never talked to a therapist,” Huebner said. “These were parents who had never been heard of before in the research.”

Tuttavia, Huebner ha sottolineato alcune potenziali sviste: "C’è motivo di credere che ci manchino due gruppi di persone: i super respinti e quei genitori che hanno immediatamente accettato di non aver bisogno di risorse".

Huebner hopes this will allow lawyers to develop materials that help parents better prepare to welcome and love their children.

“Parents have the power to protect their children, LGBT children, from all kinds of threatening forces,” said Huebner. “We know that when parents support their LGBT children, these children tend to be less depressed and behave less at risk.”

Last updated: June 3, 2020 References approved

This article was written by Inge Hansen, PsyD. Dr. Inge Hansen, PsyD, is director of wellness at Stanford University and the Weiland Health Initiative. Dr. Hansen is professionally interested in social justice, gender and sexual diversity. She earned her PsyD from the California School of Occupational Psychology through specialized training in the area of ​​gender and sexual identity. She is co-author of The Ethical Sellout: Maintaining Your Integrity in the Age of Compromise.

This article cites 19 references that can be found at the bottom of the page.

wikiHow marks an article as Reader Approved when it receives enough positive feedback. This article received 15 references and 83% of readers who voted found it helpful, earning reader approval status.

This article was viewed 396,773 times.

Living with homophobic parents can be a painful and difficult situation. Whether you are gay, have a loved one or friend who is or simply supports the LGBT movement in general, dealing with intolerance is difficult. If your parents have said or done homophobic things in the past, you can try to understand their point of view and work to change them. Then you can decide if you want to talk to your parents. However, make sure you have a plan in case they have a negative reaction. It can also be helpful to learn how to stand up for your right to be yourself and to love whoever you want.

Question: How should Christian parents react if one of their children turns out to be gay?

Answer: If a child reveals his or her homosexuality, the first thing for Christian parents to do is let their child know that, no matter what, love and grace will win the day. The love of mom and dad will last no matter what. 1 John 4: 8 says: “He who does not love does not know God, because God is love. “The goodness of God is for the purpose of bringing you to repentance” (Romans 2: 4).

All parents need to remember that our children (just like us) have heart problems. We are not trying to plant good fruit on bad trees; We sincerely pray for our wayward children that God can change the roots of the tree, so that he can remove their heart from the stone and replace it with a heart of the flesh (see Ezekiel 36:26).

Parents should also encourage a child who has “come out” not to identify himself as “homosexual”. • It is important to ask questions: Are you in a relationship? Is the relationship sexual or platonic? Have you staged your feelings of same-sex attraction or are they just thoughts you have? Parents can approach a child in need and help him understand that he is not “gay” just because he has homosexual thoughts. Rather, he struggles with homosexual desires or same-sex attraction.

The difference between struggling with homosexuality and identifying as cheerful may seem subtle, but it’s a huge difference, and here’s why. God never made us homosexuals. In Christ, we are not what we are. We are a new creation in Christ. Christians can struggle with impatience, idolatry, lust or pride. Christians may struggle with same-sex attraction, but that doesn’t make them homosexual. We are new creatures in Christ.

Therefore, Christian parents can treat their children as afflicted and offer to fight their imperfections together. It is important never to communicate to those who are homosexual that their sin is the worst of all sins. Yes, homosexuality is sinful, but it doesn’t surpass the level of heterosexual lust, lies, or pride. The truth is, we are all broken and we all need help to stay clean.

Furthermore, Christian parents should clarify their Biblical beliefs, but only after they have established a foundation of love, grace, empathy and compassion. Your children need to know that the Bible is the supreme authority on all matters of faith and conduct. Not mom, not dad, not peers, not the church. And the Bible says homosexuality is contrary to God’s intended purpose for humans. Sexuality must be heterosexual and within the limits of marriage.

If the child says, "I’m homosexual. That’s all, and I don’t care what God thinks, then clearly my parents go back to the first step. This child needs a serious change of heart, and only God can change it. Sin it’s a matter of the heart, and until God changes his heart and the child is captured by God’s grace, nothing will matter. Parents’ beliefs don’t matter. The letter of the law doesn’t matter. Love is the key. This is what drove the prodigal son back into his father’s arms (Lk 15: 11-32) and is, according to the apostle Paul, the greatest of gifts (1 Cor 13:13).

How to deal with having a gay parent

Parenting is hard enough. When you are the adoptive parent, work is even more difficult.

Di seguito, i lettori di HuffPost Divorce e i blogger patrigni condividono alcune cose che nessuno ha mai detto loro sull’esperienza di essere una mamma o un patrigno in più. See what they have to say below.

1. “Nobody tells you that being a stepfather will test your self-esteem. Children ignore you, no matter how nice you are to them. Most decisions in your life are dictated by your ex-spouse, and society automatically considers you a home wrecker (even if you met your spouse years after they split) – how can this not hurt your self-esteem? Without a strong sense of yourself, your insecurity will make you question your every move. “Jenna Korf, certified foster family trainer

2. "Nessuno ti dice quanto un ex potrebbe influenzare la tua relazioneand the new family gives what it does or does not do ".Nicola d’Oro

3. "Nessuno ti dice che essere genitori non è istintivo. I thought my maternal instincts would be an innate reaction to having stepchildren. No. It was parenting without hesitation. ” Janelle Dexheimer

4. "Nessuno ti dice quanto sia difficile bilanciare le esigenze del tuo ruolo. You are a safe place where your child can open up to the feelings he has and cannot talk to his parents. At first I was excited and thought, “Yes, in the end they trusted me!” But then it turns out that it can be a huge negative: Am I trying to be a nice parent and deal with it alone, keeping what they tell me secret knowing their dad or mom should know? If I tell the children dad or mom, they will feel like I have betrayed them and their trust. It’s a difficult situation! “- Kerri Mingoia

5. Nobody tells you that the moment your children include you or come to youinsteadtheir parent will be the most wonderful feeling in the world.It is as if you are finally introduced to a secret society.– Jenna Korf, na zdjęciu poniżej

How to deal with having a gay parent

It is difficult to deal with homophobic strangers, but it can be even more difficult to deal with relatives who reject homosexuality. These “loved ones” should love you anyway and not judge you on the basis of your sexual preferences. While it should be, that’s not always the case. Since you can’t change the way people feel, all you can do is change the way you feel and react to what they do by learning to understand loved ones homophobia and what to do to create a relationship. familiar with you much more bearable.

Tips for dealing with homophobic families

Whether you are gay, straight or bisexual, homophobia in your family can be addressed. Consider these ideas for reacting to and dealing with family members who don’t understand sexuality beyond traditional male-female couples.

Tips for everyone

Almost everyone has at least one close or distant relative who has some form of prejudice, in the form of racism, sexism or homophobia. When your family doesn’t share your beliefs, it can be frustrating and complicated. Hearing people you love say things that upset you can be difficult. However, it is not necessary to be silent when a relative says hurtful things.

  • Be calm and patient, even in the face of insulting insults and insults.
  • Ricorda che l’omofobia di solito si basa su una mancanza di conoscenza al riguardo e i tuoi cari ripetono solo gli stereotipi e le opinioni a cui sono stati esposti nel loro ambiente. This is especially true if you grew up in a conservative or religious family.
  • Find out why someone might be homophobic. For example, some people have never knowingly been friends with a gay person and simply do not understand homosexuality, while others may be secretly ashamed of their homosexual wishes. In families where one or more people are homosexual, sibling rivalry can play a role.
  • Be realistic and realize that homophobia won’t go away overnight or in a conversation.
  • Usa la logica, le statistiche e i fatti per difendere i diritti dei gay. For example, if you believe same-sex marriage should be legal, visit gay marriage websites that contain information on the subject, such as Why Marriage Matters or Marriage Equality USA.
  • Join an online gay rights group that offers friendly support and advice to those dealing with homophobic families. Some examples are GLAAD (Gay and Lesbians Alliance Against Defamation) and The Trevor Project.
  • Check out a support website with your family such as PFLAG (Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians and Gays) for information and ways to understand each other.

Advice for gays, lesbians and bisexuals

Se sei gay, lesbica o bisessuale e i tuoi familiari hanno problemi con il tuo orientamento sessuale o addirittura ti rifiutano, ci sono molti modi per affrontare il conflitto. You don’t have to put up with any abuse.

  • Remind yourself that you are not alone and that the problem is with a homophobic family member, not you. It is not your fault that your relatives do not understand you.
  • I hope your homophobic attitude will change as your loved one has time to get used to you. Alcuni membri della famiglia non sono veramente omofobi nel cuore, semplicemente non sanno cosa dire o come dirlo e i commenti possono venire fuori in modo imbarazzante.
  • Stand up for yourself and be honest. If someone says something offensive, politely correct it with a joke. For example, some people really believe that all gays love to decorate or are crossdressed. Help these people learn that stereotypes aren’t always accurate.
  • Decline invitations to family events, such as vacations or weddings, if your partner isn’t invited. If a family member introduces your girlfriend as “friend”, correct them and say, “You mean my partner (or my girlfriend).”
  • Spend time with loving, open-minded family members during the holidays or celebrations. For example, you, your brother, and your cousin can start a new Thanksgiving tradition this year if you’re not welcome at an extended family celebration. You can also spend your time better than usual, trying new recipes, go crazy for more expensive wines, and have a fun, drama-free family vacation.

Coping with rejection and abuse

Unfortunately, some people are part of homophobic families that will never change. Indeed, some of these family members physically or emotionally abuse their homosexual relatives. Many parents even kick out their teenage son or daughter just for going out. In addition to following these general tips for dealing with difficult family members, follow the following additional steps:

  • Ask for advice on how to cope with the pain of not receiving unconditional love from your family.
  • Ask close relatives if you can stay with them if you are kicked out of the house.
  • Report any type of physical abuse to local law enforcement. To this end, hate crime laws exist.
  • According to the Ali Forney Center, 25% of teenagers are rejected by their families and many end up homeless as a result. The Ali Forney Center has created an environment for homeless LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender) communities to ensure their support and safety. You can learn more in this short video:

Transition into the past of homophobia

Living in or related to homophobic family members can be a difficult situation. Your home is meant to be a refuge from the hostile outside world and it is painful to realize that family members are so different from you. Whether they reject you or learn to accept the real you, remember that the most important thing is that you live freely and be true to yourself.

A new study found that young adults from broken homes where the parent was in a same-sex relationship reported slightly greater psychological and social problems in their current life than peers from other families who went through divorce and other disruptions, sparking a heated debate among supporters of homosexuality. marriage.

The study counted parents as gay or lesbian by asking participants if their parents had ever had a homosexual relationship; parents may not identify themselves as cheerful or lesbian. Gay rights groups attacked the study, funded by conservative foundations, as being biased and poorly done even before it was published on Sunday in Social Science Research.

But outside experts overall said the research has been rigorous, providing some of the best data to date comparing results for adult children with a gay parent with those for heterosexual parents. But they also said the findings weren’t particularly relevant to the current debate on gay marriage or same-sex parenting.

About half of the study participants whose parents were gay, as identified in the study, were born out of wedlock and half were born into a traditional family that had broken up. Many have occasionally lived with a homosexual parent.

Paul Amato, a Penn State sociologist who was not involved in the study and wrote in favor of same-sex marriage, said many scholars suspected that some homosexual children may have more problems than the average child, especially in the past. decades when the stigma was greater. “We know, for example, that many people who have a homosexual parent grew up in a foster family and got divorced, with modest but real disadvantages,” he said.

Others said the study was limited in terms of usefulness. “What we really need in this area is for strong skeptics to study homosexual and stable parents and compare them directly to a similar group of heterosexual and stable parents,” said Judith Stacey, a sociologist at New York University.

The study involved a nationally representative sample of 2,988 people aged between 18 and 39. Study author Mark Regnerus, a sociologist at the University of Texas at Austin, said he sought funding from the Witherspoon Institute in Princeton, NJ, and the Bradley Foundation in Milwaukee, because government agencies “don’t want to touch these things.”

Participants answered questions about their current social, professional and economic experiences as well as early life. They included 163 people whose mother had a same-sex relationship and 73 people whose father had one. Only three of those who have had lesbian mothers have lived their entire childhood with that parent, said Dr. Regnerus; none of those whose fathers had a homosexual relationship lived full-time with their fathers in childhood.

The study looked at factors such as parental education, income, perceived level of gay tolerance in each person’s community, and whether the child had been bullied due to a parent’s sexual orientation.

The study found that participants who grew up in intact traditional families reported the lowest average level of problems in their present life, such as drug use, unemployment, and depressive moods. Participants who grew up in nontraditional relationships – for example, with a heterosexual single parent, in a foster family, or in a family with a late divorce – reported higher levels of problems as adults.

Those who claimed to have a parent who was in a same-sex relationship did slightly worse than those from other non-traditional families. For example, 38% of those who had a lesbian mother said they currently receive public assistance, compared with 31% of those whose parents divorced late and 10% of those who grew up in a traditional family.

Compared to the traditional group, those with a homosexual parent reported, on average, less education and more sexual partners; the same was true of those who had grown up in other non-traditional families, to a lesser extent.

Dr Regnerus said the study did not include the number or variety of people with a gay parent he liked. “This whole narrative of a gay couple raising a kid together, staying together — that kind of thing didn’t exist much,” when the participants were children, he said.

"Quando guardo i suoi dati, la mia conclusione principale è che il divorzio e il cambiamento familiare non sono grandi risultati per i bambini", ha affermato Gary Gates, un demografo dell’Università della California, a Los Angeles, che non è stato coinvolto nello studio.

How to deal with having a gay parent

Parenting is hard enough. When you are the adoptive parent, work is even more difficult.

Di seguito, i lettori di HuffPost Divorce e i blogger patrigni condividono alcune cose che nessuno ha mai detto loro sull’esperienza di essere una mamma o un patrigno in più. See what they have to say below.

1. “Nobody tells you that being a stepfather will test your self-esteem. Children ignore you, no matter how nice you are to them. Most decisions in your life are dictated by your ex-spouse, and society automatically considers you a home wrecker (even if you met your spouse years after they split) – how can this not hurt your self-esteem? Without a strong sense of yourself, your insecurity will make you question your every move. “Jenna Korf, certified foster family trainer

2. "Nessuno ti dice quanto un ex potrebbe influenzare la tua relazioneand the new family gives what it does or does not do ".Nicola d’Oro

3. "Nessuno ti dice che essere genitori non è istintivo. I thought my maternal instincts would be an innate reaction to having stepchildren. No. It was parenting without hesitation. ” Janelle Dexheimer

4. "Nessuno ti dice quanto sia difficile bilanciare le esigenze del tuo ruolo. You are a safe place where your child can open up to the feelings he has and cannot talk to his parents. At first I was excited and thought, “Yes, in the end they trusted me!” But then it turns out that it can be a huge negative: Am I trying to be a nice parent and deal with it alone, keeping what they tell me secret knowing their dad or mom should know? If I tell the children dad or mom, they will feel like I have betrayed them and their trust. It’s a difficult situation! “- Kerri Mingoia

5. Nobody tells you that the moment your children include you or come to youinsteadtheir parent will be the most wonderful feeling in the world.It is as if you are finally introduced to a secret society.– Jenna Korf, na zdjęciu poniżej