How to deal with a mooching friend

Have you ever had a friend who took advantage of your generosity? Lisa B. Marshall, aka The Public Speaker, can help build healthier relationships.

I get a lot of interesting questions by email, and here’s one I really wanted to share with you. There are times in our life when we all find ourselves with a person who takes and takes. and hope my advice can help. How to deal with a mooching friend

I have seen your website with a lot of useful information on how to be diplomatic and would love to hear your opinion on what words should be used to stop someone from mercilessly abusing others. My husband has a “friend” who only calls when he wants to do something for him or get free tax and financial advice. When he comes to London he uses my husband as a free driver for himself and his friends etc. When we go to a restaurant, he never pays for himself and recently for his girlfriend as well. He benefits from a big smile on his face.

Thanks for the advice

Dealing with Moocher

Anna, it’s interesting that you put the word “friend” in quotes, and of course, your instinct was right. A friend is someone who has something to do with you and whose company you enjoy. You mutually benefit from the relationship, and you’re both happy to continue it. A moocher, however, is someone who expects the benefits of a relationship without providing them in return. This guy looks like a laggard. So how are you with this guy? Well, the first thing we need to consider is your husband’s feelings towards his behavior.

How should you feel when someone is taking advantage of you?

Some people really don’t mind when others take advantage of them. They really, genuinely like to help others, and maybe that’s how they benefit from the relationship. And that’s totally fine. Anna, if your husband doesn’t mind his “friend” mooching off him, for the sake of your own peace of mind, you will have to just accept that your husband is okay with this behavior. If, however, he’s not happy, he will begin to experience some stress over it, and that’s not good for his health.

So let’s talk about how to deal with moochers when you want to remain diplomatic.

How do I keep a freeloader politely?

It helps to first try to determine the other person’s perspective. Does he realize he’s taking advantage? Is he alone alone? Is this his way of getting there? Seeing the other person without anger or resentment can help you deal with them with respect and kindness. However, it’s still crucial to set boundaries. If a person calls expecting a ride, a simple “I’m not available” should suffice. To clear things up, your husband might give this man a taxi number. “I’m sorry, I’m not available. Here is the number of the reliable taxi service I used.” (Then he can’t argue, “But I don’t know else who to call!”)

If someone is in the habit of inviting themselves to a restaurant without expecting them to pay, your husband might say, “We’d like to eat with you. Can we go to Dutch? At the moment, Anna and I are only able to pay for ourselves. “If he had wanted to be more direct, he might have added:” Are you able to cover your dinner? If not, we will unfortunately not be able to go. ” This should clarify the matter and usually, after a rejection or two, he should get a hint.

(LifeWire) “A few years ago, on a night out in a San Francisco bar, Matt Colling and his friend were buying drinks around. But when it came time to pay for the $ 100 card, Colling was alone.

How to deal with a mooching friend

“I got my money out and I was the only one with it,” recalls the 28-year-old bartender. His friend conveniently “forgot his wallet”.

Che si tratti di irrigidire i compagni di bevute con un assegno, andare in giro, "prendere in prestito" sigarette o consumare pasti, i Moocher possono spingere i confini dell’amicizia sviluppando l’abitudine di manipolare gli altri per evitare di pagare una giusta quota.

Brandon Ward, director of sports marketing for San Diego, has learned a first lesson in dealing with deadbeats. Now 37 and married, Ward can easily remember a former roommate who rarely received a fair share, including part of a weekend trip that included four tanks of gas and three cases of beer.

For Ward, it was less money than principles. “He never took out his wallet. Even if she did, there was a chance I would have said no. It was a great shame.”

No matter how charming they may be, a hanging friend isn’t a true friend, says Jeanne Fleming, a financial ethics columnist for Money magazine who also has a Ph. D. in sociology. “Moochers are essentially motivated by being selfish and self-centered,” she says. “They usually forgive their behavior. But the truth is, this is completely self-indulgent. It is not mild. “

From friend to freeloader

At what point does a friend become a mooch? It is a question of frequency.

“Everyone at some point asked a friend for $ 20 and forgot to give it back,” says Fleming, who searched for a book he co-authored with Leonard Schwarz, his partner for Money, among relationship criminals. But mooching begins when reciprocity ends. Or maybe when you start asking the gullible to pay part of his expenses on the tariff.

When the authors asked 800 people across the country to choose between a relative who would pay them a large loan or get sick with the flu, more than two-thirds said they would get sick. This could be because 36% of Americans surveyed had at least one affected family member and 32% had a dead friend.

Fleming and Schwarz also surveyed 1,000 adults across the country in another survey and found that up to 95% lent money to friends or family. More than a third of them have borrowed over $ 1,000. What about the chances of reviewing their money? 43% were not fully repaid on the largest loan they ever made to friends or family, and 27% were never repaid at all.

But mooching isn’t limited to money, which can make it difficult to know when to set a limit. Take 35-year-old reporter Colin Sullivan from San Francisco. As a writer for Greenwire. com, he states that he is making every effort to minimize his carbon footprint and carpooling is an effective tactic.

But when a close friend got into the tramp habit – “He’s the kind of guy who assumes that if we go somewhere I’ll pick him up” – Sullivan felt torn between being responsible for the environment and being. a driver. . Even then, Sullivan blamed his friend for being a “tight money asshole,” which, in his opinion, is not the worst flaw in the world.

Fleming sees it differently: Cars are expensive to own and operate. “They think they’re green and maybe they are,” he says, “but they’re also moochemi.”

End of the free lap

The Moocers are successful because people are confused by them, says Fleming. “You shouldn’t worry about money,” she says. “You shouldn’t notice when your friends have flaws about it.” And before you know it, it’s often hard to break the mold.

Even for etiquette pundits like Lizzie Post, who watches the US “civic barometer” at the Emily Post Institute in Vermont, dealing with moochers is difficult. Even the great-granddaughter in the American way had to ask for small loans and dinners in the city. But she also understands how tempting it is to let go of uncomfortable things.

"È difficile perché questi problemi non sono etichettati", dice, "sono più problemi sociali e relazionali".

But it is not impossible. Tips from the experts include breaking the habit in the bud by learning to – politely – refuse loans, cards, and rides. The post advises you to plan ahead by deciding who should pay before you even leave the house. And if that’s not possible, you can always ask for separate checks.

If your friend is a close friend, you can give him a chance to change. But the perfectly reasonable response to repeat offenders is to abandon the friendship. This may actually turn out to be a favor, as mooching is a self-correcting habit, says Fleming. “If the raider loses enough friends, change his behavior.”

And so Ward eventually took care of his old friend, the roommate.

After their one-sided weekend getaway, Ward joined his roommate and the others at a local pub for a couple of rounds of beer. Everyone took turns buying, but when it came time to pay, he was – where else? — in the bathroom. The second time he tried to disappear, Ward invited him to do so.

"Non ricordo di averlo invitato di nuovo", dice Ward.

How to deal with a mooching friend

It didn’t seem like a big deal at first. Your friend needed some cash here and there. You lent it to them, you paid for a couple of pizzas “that you both ordered”, you took all the carpool trips because their car was “in the shop”. Now a year has passed and those few times have made you feel used, used and used because your friend or family member has yet to withdraw a cent to help pay whatever or worse, repay MANY MANY loans they took from your Bank. Now that you’re completely pissed off, what can you do?

1. Don’t apologize!

Do you remember how you would have worked to earn money for the things you want and need or to support your family? Yes you! You don’t have to apologize for not being able to lend more money to the merchant or for not wanting to go out to eat because you don’t have or don’t want to spend money on food for both of you. It’s your fucking money and you can make whatever you want with it, and if that means you’re going to spend it on yourself and your family, so be it. You owe the scrounger nothing. And NO, it doesn’t matter if you are someone others would consider rich. It is not your only responsibility to make sure everyone around you is taken care of just because they have contacted and you have the money. This doesn’t mean that you should never borrow, never help, never spit on the people who stand in your way. but this means that the moocher thinks that since you have the money, you are responsible for keeping it, and absolutely not.

2. Challenge them

Many people don’t have the courage to do this, which allows them to spin and then let them keep spinning. Put them aside and talk to them. “Hey man, I paid for your car for 3 months and you didn’t pay me back, so there will be no more loans until you pay me back the loans you already owe me. If you can’t, or not, don’t expect me to come in. future because I have lent you money in good faith and you are not a good friend or family member without paying me back because now I am losing money which is not fair to me at all ”.

How to deal with a mooching friend

3. Receive it in an official letter

Many people borrow money with a bona fide scammer or a friendly handshake, but the boxer doesn’t respect that, so if they want something from you, do it legally. They need to sign a real legal contract in front of a witness if they want money from you in case they will go to court later for larger loans that could harm you financially if not repaid.

How to deal with a mooching friend

4. Get your money up front

Moocers get into the routine assuming they can cheat or extort money from someone else in your family / friends. So if others are also aware of this behavior of people, let everyone clarify, if you all go on vacation, for example, the payment for xyz must be paid in advance before starting the trip. Or when you get in the car, literally ask to see this moocher wallet and confirm that there is money in it because they seem to always forget their wallet or carry money.

5. Spaced

More difficult, if you are with family but with friends, you can still be friends with someone without being their personal bank. Meet when you do free things or things you know they have already paid for, or only offer free things, so there is no need to talk about money. If they ask why they aren’t invited to more things, you can talk to them about it if you haven’t already, but again you don’t need to apologize. Mooching isn’t a one-time thing, it’s a routine, and if you’re at this point, it’s a long-gone routine.

Do you have a friend who constantly avoids splitting the bill every time you go out or go out with the most trivial reason why he forgot his wallet at home? And in the end, you have to make a hole in your pocket. Well, chances are you have a friend who isn’t ashamed to place an order for the most expensive item on the menu and then ask you to pay. Even after voicing your objection to this, you don’t see any positive changes so far.

How to deal with a mooching friend

If you are already looking for a way to deal with such a friend, worry no more as we are here to help.

How to deal with a mooching friend

1. Find out why he is behind it

It is possible that your friend is going through a financial crisis or has a weak financial background. Before judging your friend, make sure you know his financial situation well. Instead of making fun of your friend, you can think about how to help him. You can limit travel with your friend until he becomes financially stable.

How to deal with a mooching friend

2. Face it about it

If your friend is not going through any financial crisis and has financial stability but never comes forward to pay or split the bill, you can definitely deal with it about it. Make sure you communicate calmly and persuasively. For example, instead of saying “You never pay the bill,” tell them that you are unable to pay the full amount, so it would be a relief to split the bill. Or you can ask, “I think we need to talk about money and decide how to pay the bills every time we go out.”

How to deal with a mooching friend

3. Remind him to bring his wallet

Sometimes your friend may come up with excuses like “I forgot my wallet / cash”. It can happen over and over again or whenever you ask him to pay an amount. For this, you can remind your friend to bring the wallet before he leaves the house. You can say, “Please don’t forget to carry cash in your wallet, what if we find something too good to resist?”

Trust me, your friend won’t be able to come up with such an excuse when paying the bill.

How to deal with a mooching friend

4. Make sure you split the bill

Instead of footing the bill and regretting your action, it is better if you split the bill first. As soon as the bill arrives, tell your friend that it is best to split the bill and pay accordingly. This will no doubt help you deal with your freeloader friend and save you from spending all your pocket money.

How to deal with a mooching friend

5. Avoid paying every time you go out

It is possible that whenever you and your friend leave, you are the first to pull out your wallet and pay the bills. It happens every time and you don’t know how to prevent it. Next time, let your friend take the first step. Your friend may ask you to pay the bill, but you can politely refuse by saying, “There is no money.” I hope you don’t mind paying this time. ”This might be a better way to flip the moochera.

How to deal with a mooching friend

6. Ask for money in front of your parents

If you’ve tried asking your friend for your share of money but have only received blatant lies, why not ask the same in front of their friends.
But here you have to be careful if your friend’s family is suffering from the financial crisis. Otherwise, you can ask him for a refund when his parents are around. This will force him to pay the amount.

How to deal with a mooching friend

7. Pay only for what you have ordered

Even after trying the tips mentioned above, you don’t see the positive change coming, here’s another tip for you. For this, you can only pay for what you have ordered. You can also have separate bills for you and your friend. This will definitely make him foot the bill. Your friend may feel guilty about it, but to hide it you can say, “I don’t want to split the bill. So, can we pay for our orders?

There may be times when your friend doesn’t order anything just because he has to pay for the food, but he won’t hesitate to take the food off your plate.

How to deal with a mooching friend

8. Ask to attend in advance

If you are planning to go on a trip or order food online, you can request it instead of asking for money. For that, you can say, “Well, I think we have to contribute. We will pay our contribution before ordering / booking tickets online.” Now you have to be very careful as your friend may ask you to pay his share as well. You can kindly say that you have no extra money and therefore are unable to pay for its participation.

How to deal with a mooching friend

9. Mention your queue to pay the bill

The next time you go shopping or have lunch with friends, remind them to pay their bills. You can say, “The last time we left, I made the payment. So I guess now it’s your turn to pay. I hope you don’t mind. If your friend is still looking for excuses to avoid the bills, you can avoid doing it. orders for him.

There may be times when your co-worker really cares about you but doesn’t want to pay. So make sure you don’t get aggressive. Have an effective money discussion to decide how to move things forward. This will undoubtedly help you deal with such situations effectively /.

How to deal with a mooching friend

We’ve all come across a moocher in our lives; a friend or relative who often borrows your favorite lipstick, perfume or dress, or a friend who smokes cigarettes or free drinks all the time. We all borrow sooner or later. Nobody thinks about turning down the first few times, but as it persists, you start wondering. And if you value the friendship, you’ll probably overlook the bad habit; but otherwise what can you do? Here are some tips for dealing with a whimpering friend.

1. Remind the moocher

Once you’re certain that you’re dealing with a moocher, make sure that when you go out, the other person has no excuses for leaving the wallet behind. Remind your friend to check that he has a wallet with him. Adding a smile will help convey your message in a pleasant way.

2. Be firm

If you’re lending clothes, ask the moocher when you’ll get your stuff back. If you feel that your clothes are unlikely to be returned, try saving your favorite clothes by making excuses, or you can always firmly tell the scrounger that you want them immediately the next day.

3. Don’t borrow money

If the moocher asks you to lend some money for the umpteenth time, you can always tell your friend that you’re facing difficult times yourself and have no cash to spare. While you can still go out with a friend and entertain your friend at home, it would be in your best interest not to borrow cash.

4. Pay separately

When planning to visit a restaurant, strongly insist on paying a separate check. You can always say that you are trying to control your spending and limit the desire to overpay.

Nothing kills an evening with friends like people trying to avoid a check. A person can regularly “forget” their wallet. Another does not protest – never – when he offers to pay for the card.

Permanent differences in spending can strain your relationships and hurt your financial goals. The budget calculator will show you how generous you can be. But if you’re not satisfied with a friend who consistently doesn’t pay her dues, fix her before the resentment sets in. That’s how:

DEFINE THE IMMEDIATE PROBLEM

You will have many financial personalities among your friends. Separate those you can live with from those that make you feel underdeveloped.

• Nickel and Dimer: Some friends prefer to pay only what they consume, up to the penny, even if the group wants to split the check evenly.

While greed is not very tempting, it can cause similar resentment. However, although your friend’s preferences are different from yours, there is nothing wrong with that. In this case, it’s up to you to accept that your friend can’t or doesn’t want to pay extra and move on.

“Un amico sensibile guarda il quadro generale e dice:” Va bene, potrebbe essere una stranezza che non ho, ma probabilmente è anche il modo più giusto per farlo”, afferma Andrea Bonior, psicologo clinico e autore. "Poprawki przyjaźni".

This is especially true if your friend skips expensive cocktails or orders cheaper dishes. There are many mobile applications that make it easy to share checks.

• Cashless: A friend who is in between work or just has a deposit for a new apartment may run out of money to play with. But if he’s not a frequent cheater and you want to hang out with him every now and then, it’s okay to raise the bill, says Irene S. Levine, psychologist and creator of The Friendship Blog. Again, understanding your budget constraints can help you determine the correct attendance.

If your friend’s financial crisis is prolonged – let’s say he has a lower paid job than yours – consider cheaper entertainment like “RuPaul’s Drag Race” at home in the evening. You will save money and patience and your friend will not feel an infinite debt towards you.

• Chronic Freeloader: Problems begin when your generosity is expected. Some friends actively avoid paying their dues. Maybe they’ll comfortably go to the bathroom before your check arrives or, if you’re traveling together, they won’t refund your hotel money for a few months, if at all. This can lead to anger and bitterness. If you want to save your friendship, your next step will be a mature and respectful discussion.

TO COMPLETE

Instead of holding a grudge, Bonior suggests picking a time for a private conversation that isn’t there at the moment, for example, when your friend says her check is overdue and will cover drinks next time.

When you are in a place where both of you are comfortable, say, “It’s really embarrassing, but remember when you put the concert ticket on my credit card? You haven’t paid me yet and I really need the money. “Or” I’m a little frustrated because you haven’t wasted money on a drink lately. “

Vai con affermazioni "me" che concentrano la conversazione su come ti senti piuttosto che attaccare il carattere del tuo amico.

KNOW WHEN TO GO

Friends may take some time to respond to your concerns. But if the same problems continue to arise three months later, say something. Yet. If you know how much money you spent to cover up the shortcomings of the first conversation, let your friend know. At this point, maybe it’s time to reevaluate your relationship.

Landing.

"Se un’amicizia ti fa sentire costantemente esausto, usato o stressato, è ora di andare avanti", dice Levine.

It is not necessary to announce that your friendship is over. Start by refusing your friend’s requests and slowly break free from your daily interactions. If your friend asks you what’s going on, you can be honest; but he remembers you don’t have to feel guilty that the friendship is dying out. Your happiness – and your bank balance – are too precious to waste.

ASK FOR BRINNA

By Brianna McGurran – NerdWallet

“Ask Brianna” is a NerdWallet column for 20-somethings or anyone starting out. I’m here to help you manage your money, find a job and pay off student loans — all the real-world stuff no one taught us how to do in college. Submit your postgraduate life questions to askbriannanerdwallet. com.

Nothing kills an evening with friends like people trying to avoid a check. A person can regularly “forget” their wallet. Another doesn’t protest — ever — when you offer to pick up the tab.

Permanent differences in spending can strain your relationships and hurt your financial goals. The budget calculator will show you how generous you can be. But if you’re unhappy with a friend who consistently doesn’t pay her share, fix it before resentment takes hold. Here’s how:

DEFINE THE IMMEDIATE PROBLEM

You will have many financial personalities among your friends. Separate those you can live with from those that make you feel underdeveloped.

• Nickel and Dimer: Some friends prefer to pay only what they consume, up to the penny, even if the group wants to split the check evenly.

While stinginess isn’t exactly mooching, it may breed a similar feeling of resentment. Still, though your friend’s preference is different from yours, there’s nothing inherently wrong with it. In this instance, it’s up to you to accept your friend can’t or doesn’t want to pay extra, and move on.

"A sensitive friend looks at the big picture and says," Okay, it might be a quirk I don’t have, but it’s probably also the right way to do it, "says Andrea Bonior, clinical psychologist and author. Friendship Corrections.

That’s especially true if your friend forgoes costly cocktails or orders less-expensive dishes. There are many mobile applications that make it easy to share checks.

• Cashless: A friend who is in between work or just has a deposit for a new apartment may run out of money to play with. But if he’s not a frequent bill dodger and you want to go out with him, picking up the tab occasionally is fine, says Irene S. Levine, a psychologist and creator of The Friendship Blog . Again, understanding your budget constraints can help you determine the correct attendance.

If your friend’s cash crunch is longer-term — he has a lower-paying job than you, say — consider cheaper entertainment like a night at home binge-watching “RuPaul’s Drag Race.” You’ll save money and patience, and your friend won’t feel endlessly indebted to you.

• Chronic Freeloader: Problems begin when your generosity is expected. Some friends actively avoid paying their dues. Perhaps they conveniently retire to the bathroom before the check comes or, when you travel together, don’t reimburse you for the hotel until months later, if at all. This can lead to anger and bitterness. If you want to save your friendship, your next step will be a mature and respectful discussion.

TO COMPLETE

Instead of holding a grudge, Bonior suggests choosing a time for a private conversation that isn’t currently available, for example, not when your friend says her salary is up and next time she’ll cover drinks.

When you’re in a place where you both feel comfortable, say, “This is really awkward, but remember when you put that concert ticket on my credit card? You still haven’t paid me back, and I could really use the money.” Or “I feel a little frustrated because you haven’t thrown in cash for drinks lately.”

Vai con affermazioni "me" che concentrano la conversazione su come ti senti piuttosto che attaccare il carattere del tuo amico.

KNOW WHEN TO GO

Friends may take some time to respond to your concerns. But if the same problems continue to arise three months later, say something. Yet. If you have a sense of how much money you’ve expended covering shortfalls since you first talked, let your friend know. At this point, maybe it’s time to reevaluate your relationship.

"Se un’amicizia ti fa sentire costantemente esausto, usato o stressato, è ora di andare avanti", dice Levine.

That doesn’t require announcing your friendship is over. Start by turning down your friend’s invitations and slowly extricating yourself from daily interactions. If your friend asks what’s going on, you can be honest; but remember you don’t have to feel guilty for letting the friendship fizzle. Your happiness – and your bank balance – are too precious to waste.

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How to deal with a mooching friend

People in healthy relationships expect to receive and repay favors in roughly equal quantities. However, the moocher usually takes more than he gives. You might start feeling used if you’re constantly going out of your way to accommodate or provide for this person, without being appreciated or repaid. Feeling like someone is taking advantage of you can lead to resentment that can damage your relationship, so pay attention to the signs before it’s too late.

It convinces to pay

The moocher asks you to pay his part of the bill, not just once, but several times. He always has an excuse, no matter if he forgets his wallet at home or promises to pay you back when he gets his next paycheck. You can find yourself in this situation especially if you make more money than she does, commented Jeanne Fleming, author of Isn’t It Your Turn to Collect Your Check? in an interview with National Public Radio. Moocher will take advantage of the pay gap, even if he is able to cover his own expenses, as he assumes that his unpaid loans are not uncomfortable for you. Before lending money to a suspicious scammer, ask yourself if he really needs it, Fleming suggests.

What’s yours is hers

Moochers are welcome in your stuff, with or without your consent. You will find a friend who helps with food in your refrigerator or lends you office supplies without asking you first. According to therapist Deborah Mecklinger in her article “Lightening Your Burden: Strategies for Dealing with Unrestrained Friends and Family,” she has no sense of boundaries and does not respect the right to your property. get to your stuff.

It’s about the favors you expect

Niektórzy moocherzy wykorzystują twoją dobroć i w końcu oczekują, że zrobisz wszystko, o co poproszą. He may formulate his requests as if you have no choice but to fulfill them. For example: “Can you take care of my children? I already told them to go straight from school to your house. Just order a pizza for dinner. Once you have done your initial favor, it may start to assume that you will be willing and available. to all future requests What started as a generous journey home can turn into a daily routine.

He does not reciprocate

Beware of a friend, family member, or partner who asks a lot but never reciprocates. Mohair does not return the same amount of time, energy or money that he took from you. He only comes to you when you need something and is not available when you ask for similar favors. When you realize your relationship is one-sided, it’s time to stand up for yourself. Say no when his pleas are uncomfortable for you and repeat your refusal if he keeps asking.