How to ask someone if they want to have sex

Logan Hill spills the tea on exes, in-laws, and booty calls.

How to ask someone if they want to have sex

How to ask someone if they want to have sex

Should I be concerned about what my man’s parents think of me, or is their opinion NBD?

You shouldn’t be obsessing over what they think, but yes, their opinion matters. Just like you, guys hope that introducing a girl to our parents goes well- and we will be offended if we feel like you’ve treated our family with disrespect. I’m not saying you have to kiss ass, pretend to be someone you’re not, or take it personally if it turns out they don’t think anyone is good enough for their son. But you should at least act like you care and try to bond with them in some way. Your relationship with your boyfriend will be much easier if you all get along.

I keep running into my ex, and I really want to talk to him about why we broke up. What’s a way to approach the topic so he doesn’t shut me down right away?

If you have important things to say, the right moment is not when you accidentally bump into him on the street. Most men don’t want to get into heavy stuff on the sidewalk or in a public setting, and they might feel trapped if you corner them on the spot. Instead, the next time you run into him, say something like, “Hey, good to see you. Can we find some time to talk tomorrow?” That way, you’re setting up a real conversation where he’s not itching to walk away and he can give you his undivided attention.

Do straight-identifying men ever say “I love you” to their best friends? And if so, when?

Yes, although we rarely just say “I love you” on its own. I occasionally tell my oldest and best friends, “I love you, man,” “I love you, brother,” or “I love you, you idiot” (lovingly, of course). And I don’t say it often. Usually, I’ll throw it out there when it’s been a while since we’ve seen each other, we’re not going to see each other again for a long time, or honestly, I’ve had a bit to drink and I’m feeling really happy and sentimental.

No grown-up man should think twice about being seen buying tampons for his partner.

This guy I’m into doesn’t respond to my texts, but he’s liked all my latest Instagram posts. Why?

Let’s imagine that instead of being on your phones, you two are at a party where texting is like actual conversation and double tapping an Instagram post is like a glance from across the room. So what you have here is a bro who is ignoring you whenever you say something but checking out your butt when you turn around. My advice: Find someone else at this shindig who’s not objectifying you or blowing you off.

Do guys care if you’re shaved when they’re going down on you? I’ve heard they don’t, but sometimes I get a little self-conscious.

The truth: Any guy who gets to see you naked is lucky, period. But your pubic hair is your hair, so it’s up to you. If you don’t like to wax or shave, let it grow!

Seriously, do men actually think people care if we see them buying tampons for their girlfriend or wife?

No grown-up man should think twice about being seen buying tampons for his partner. And many of us run this errand, no problem. But some insecure dudes find it awkward. Sadly, that kind of cowardice can be a lifelong condition. and they probably feel similarly weird when buying lube or condoms. What an immature (and unhelpful) mind-set, right?

How do I ask a guy over for sex without sounding too thirsty?

First off, guys like to feel wanted, so you can let him know outright that you want to hook up. But if that feels too forward, you can always go the indirect route and casually say “Hey, wanna come over?” If you’re texting, deploy a classic booty-call line that’s used all the time, like “u still up?” or “heyyy.” A guy will likely read it as an invite to meet up, and you won’t have to be so explicit about your desires. But whether or not he accepts your invite? Well, that decision is up to him.

The truth: Any guy who gets to see you naked is lucky, period.

I’m confused about date-payment etiquette. Do men want to pay the bill? Does my offer to split it have a deeper meaning that I don’t know about?

Whether you call it chauvinist or gentlemanly, old-school or outdated, most guys still feel they should pay the first check. This ritual is caught up in all sorts of antiquated ideas about masculinity, but also, a lot of women continue to expect it too. Most men I know look at it this way: If he asks you out, then he’s offering to buy you a drink or dinner. So let him. There’s nothing less sexy than haggling over who owes how much at the end of the night, and you can always pick up the tab the next time. But if it makes you feel better to pay, go ahead and throw down your card. If your date gets offended, he probably isn’t your best match. (And if he Venmo-requests money from you the next day? He’s definitely not for you. or anyone for that matter.)

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Let me ask you a question: Why do women have sex? What are their reasons for wanting to get naughty with you?

I know what you’re probably thinking. “Duh, women have sex because they’re horny.”

Uh, yeah, but have you ever thought about why they get horny, and what motivates them to have sex? As in why they get hot and bothered for a dude?

In the past, one particular study managed to identify 237 distinct reasons why people have sex, and it included things like “I wanted an orgasm,” “I wanted a promotion,” and “I wanted to feel closer to God.”

All super valid, I guess. Especially that last one. Everyone wants cum so hard that they black out for a sec and ascend to heaven.

And now, a recent study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found a narrower set of reasons why women want to bump uglies with you, and they’re actually not all that remarkable. You can probably guess what they are right now, but let me explain the study anyway.

For the study, researchers gave a group of 510 women a list of 140 different motives for having sex, and asked them to rank those reasons based on how likely they’d be to have sex for that specific reason in the context of a committed relationship, or a casual encounter. Are you following? Good!

The results revealed that, unsurprisingly, the most common reason for a woman to have sex with a casual partner, a.k.a. a total rando in a bar or something, is because she thinks he’s hot. To better explain, here are some of the most popular answers:

  • “I wanted to experience the physical pleasure.”
  • “The person’s physical appearance turned me on.”
  • “I was horny.”
  • “It feels good.”

Honestly, no surprise there. We’re all in the pursuit of pleasure, after all.

However, when a committed partner was involved, women said their reason for banging it out was more for emotional reasons rather than physical. Some of the most popular answers included:

  • “I wanted to show my affection to the person.”
  • “I wanted to express my love for the person.”
  • “I desired emotional closeness.”

And so, as you can clearly see, women want to have sex with you for two reasons:

How to ask someone if they want to have sex

I’m just going to say it: Nudes are fucking awesome. Swapping naked pics is not only a great way to build sexual anticipation, but it can make your tedious workday a lot more exciting (as long as your screen isn’t visible to any coworkers). There’s nothing like a hot pic from someone you’re crushing on to help you fill out those TPS reports.

But initiating the swapping of nudes can seem daunting. For starters, how do you go about asking for nudes without coming off as a creep? “HI, YOU ARE HOT, PLEASE SEND A NAKED PICTURE” is probably one of the least attractive things a partner will ever hear. You have to be thoughtful about sending nudes, too. As with any sexual activity, consent is a must—and depending on how your partner receives it, an unsolicited dick pic could even be illegal.

We spoke to four sex experts to help explain how to ask for and send nudes. Here’s who you’ll hear from:

  • Daniel Saynt, founder of The New Society for Wellness (NSFW), a sex-positive members-only club that hosts sexual education workshops with a focus in BDSM , kink coach and sex educator
  • Sofiya Alexandra, comedian and co-host of Private Parts Unknown, a sexualities podcast exploring conversations on sex, dating and gender
  • Courtney Kocak, comedian and co-host of Private Parts Unknown, a sexualities podcast exploring conversations on sex, dating and gender

How do you know it’s a good time to send a nude?

Daniel: You should always ask for permission before sending nudes. You can ask by saying something like, “Can I send you something naughty?” Make sure the conversation is already going this way. If they’re texting getting-to-know-you questions, it’s probably not the best time to ask.

How to ask someone if they want to have sex

Cory: Generally, the best time to send a nude is when you’re already having a steamy conversation via text. But the only time you can send a nude is when you’ve received explicit consent to do so.

Courtney: Consent is key to sending nudes. Nobody wants a dick pic out of left field, and unfortunately, that’s where most of them come from. Start with words. Sexting can be so hot. Tell your partner . what you want to do to them later. Be explicit and nasty if that’s what’s in your heart—and if they’re reciprocating and things are ramping up, that’s a good time to send a nude.

How do you know it’s a good time to ask for nudes?

Cory: The best time to send or ask for a nude is when there’s already a sexting sesh going down. While some people like sending spontaneous nudes to their partner(s) during work hours, that’s usually reserved for folks who have ongoing relationships where they’ve pre-negotiated boundaries about sexting and sending nudes.

Sofiya: I think in the middle of sexting is a good time, but only if both people have been sexting, not just one very horny party having a monologue.

Courtney: Yeah, read the room. I know that can be hard in our electronic world, but use all the context clues available. Are they replying to your sexts with equally sexual content? Great! Now you can tell them you’d like to see a little somethin’.

Okay, but what do you specifically SAY when you’re asking for nudes?

Daniel: You can ask: “May I see more of you?” [Add] a little devil emoji at the end to imply you’re hoping to see a little more than what Tinder allows on profiles. This is a coy way of asking without being too direct.

You should also consider offering a swap for swap. You can say, “Want to trade sexy photos?” From there, you can share sexy, although not fully nude photos. After a few of those pics are swapped back and forth, go ahead and ask, “Want to share some X-rated pics?” You can throw in a mischievous grin emoji after to make it more playful!

Sofiya: I think a fun way to get to exchanging nudes from sexting is sort of slowly raising the stakes. Like, start with an ab shot, or a bicep shot, and wait for her to send something back. You can keep going until you get really explicit. Plus, if she pulls back and doesn’t match you pic for pic, you get a good idea about when to stop.

Courtney: An ex-boyfriend sent me some super sexy Tumblr gifs one time and it was the hottest thing ever. That really lubed me up for a more personal photo exchange.

How to ask someone if they want to have sex

Great news, sex-havers! The state of California passed a groundbreaking bill this week that redefines the standard of sexual consent from "no means no" to "yes means yes." The bill shifts the burden of proof, in internal campus investigations only, away from traumatized victims (asking, "Did you say no? Did you do enough to prevent your rape?") and on to alleged perpetrators (asking, "Did she say yes? Did you do enough to confirm that she wanted it?"). It’s a subtle reframing that could have a major impact on how we think about sexual assault long-term, and I, for one, have been self-high-fiving myself raw all day. On a personal level, it might not sound super sexy, but trust me—this is BASICALLY SEX CHRISTMAS. Your present is not inadvertently raping someone! Just what you told Santa you wanted!

To my great surprise, though, instead of busting out the tinsel and tucking into the consensual sex celebration goose, a lot of men seem anxious about this new bill—apparently worried that they’ll soon have to, say, obtain a notarized contract every time they want to honk their wife’s boob or else be carted off to some feminist gulag. And to those men I say: You guys! You are reading this all wrong!

It’s super simple. You just ask yourself: Did this person say, with their body language or their words, that they want to have sex with me? If they did, go for it! And if you have any doubt whatsoever, DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH THAT PERSON. Not just because you might get in trouble for sexual assault, but because—presumably—you respect and care about your partner.

If you can read social cues on, like, a golden retriever level or above, you can tell when someone wants to have sex with you (and if you can’t, you definitely shouldn’t be touching a single genital without an explicit "yes"). But to assuage any lingering fear and confusion, here are some nearly foolproof verbal and non-verbal signs that your partner wants to do sex stuff with you:

Your partner just said, "I want to bang you!"

You asked your partner, "May I bang you?" and they said, "YAAAAAASSSSS. "

When you kiss your partner, they kiss you back.†

When you touch your partner, they lean into and reciprocate your touch, sometimes even initiating contact themselves, almost as though they are actively engaged in the situation and not just going along with it because you made them feel obligated and/or frightened.

Your partner makes erotic moaning noises such as "Ooh," "Aah," or "Huzzah."

Your partner looks deep into your eyes with care and affection.

You think back to earlier in the night and are certain you didn’t guilt, pressure, coerce, blackmail, manipulate, or threaten them into having sex with you.

Your partner is not incapacitated by drugs or alcohol.

Your partner doesn’t freeze up, go rigid, recoil from your touch, say "no" or "stop," become detached and stare at the ceiling, look at you in terror, hyperventilate, make up excuses to leave, actually try to leave, scream in pain, and/or weep.

How to ask someone if they want to have sex

Unfortunately, some men will say and do anything possible to have sex, which often includes lying about their intentions.

One of the problems that women often face is that guys who are older are slicker about their attempts at getting sex than they used to be in high school. A man who seemed like a perfect gentleman may never call you again once he’s had sex with you.

If you want to avoid this from happening, make sure to watch out for the following signs a guy just wants sex and doesn’t want a relationship with you at all.

There are a few signs he just wants sex that should be abundantly clear.

If you only ever go over to have sex, only receive phone calls or texts late at night, or you just have a feeling that you’re just a booty call, listen to your gut to save yourself from getting hurt later on.

Pay attention to how sexual your relationship is. If he only sees you to “hook up” and “have a good time,” in his words, that’s one of the many red flags he’s not looking for anything serious.

If you’re wondering how to tell if what a guy wants from you, there are signs you can look for.

15 Signs He Just Wants Sex

1. He really doesn’t ask questions about you.

Guys who want sex don’t really want to know you as a person. They really just want to ask superficial questions and cut to the chase.

So, if you notice they are asking “bare minimum” questions, he probably just wants to have sex, and you don’t need a relationship expert to tell you that.

2. You get a feeling he’s already taken.

Is he married? Did you overhear rumors that he’s dating someone else?

When guys cheat, they aren’t looking for a new wife or Ms. Right. Rather, they’re looking for sex.

3. He cancels whenever you ask him to hang out with friends.

If he only wants to hang out with you alone, you have to assume that he’s only trying to have sex with you. If you haven’t met his friends after a month or two of being together, that’s a bad sign the relationship isn’t going to ever get there.

Guys who want a relationship often care about meeting your friends because they want to get a better idea of who you really are with them, and he wants to spend more time with you.

4. You met him on Tinder.

Yes, everyone knows that some random couple met and married off Tinder, but really, it’s an app made for sex.

Don’t kid yourself. He’s probably the rule, not the exception.

5. He doesn’t want to spend too much money on you.

I understand that dating is expensive, but there’s something to be said about a guy who won’t even buy you a drink. Aside from it being stingy, it also is a sign that he really doesn’t want to invest in you.

That’s not a good look if you’re trying to get into a relationship.

6. Even when you told him he’s not having sex with you that night, he broaches the subject again or gets overly grabby.

Yeah, this is a sign that he doesn’t understand boundaries and that he probably shouldn’t get another date.

It’s often best to just tell them that you feel like they don’t take you seriously as a relationship partner and that you’re not willing to date someone like that.

7. When you broach the subject of a relationship, he tries to sweep it under the rug.

Any time a guy tries to avoid the relationship talk, it’s almost certain that they don’t want a relationship with you.

If he regularly refuses to answer this question straightforward or if he seems to just answer in a way meant to placate you, he’s in it for sex.

8. He only calls you at night.

Some guys really aren’t good at hiding their intentions. Generally speaking, if he only texts or calls you at night, and wants you to just spend the night, he’s probably only interested in a booty call.

A guy who’s interested in more will make a point to talk to you throughout the day.

9. You regularly feel like he’s pressuring you to have sex or that he will leave if you don’t put out.

If a guy has to pressure you or act like he’s owed sex, then he’s definitely just looking to have sex. Guys who are respectful won’t do this to you, and no one has time for that kind of BS.

10. Something in your gut tells you he doesn’t respect you.

When a guy likes a girl but doesn’t respect her, he will have sex with her but won’t commit to her, and he’ll send her mixed signals all the time. That’s because he might have commitment issues.

Besides, respect is crucial to a healthy relationship. If you don’t get the feeling he respects you, it’s one of the signs a guy just wants sex and you really shouldn’t agree to see him anymore.

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11. He’s straight-up told you that he’s ‘not looking for anything serious.’

When a man says this, for the love of all that is holy, believe him!

A relationship hero isn’t going to help you with this so don’t stick around waiting for him to see the light because he won’t. He’s already made up his mind and that’s him telling you it’s not going to happen.

Don’t feel sad, there’s nothing you can do if he only cares about sexual relationships.

12. As soon as sex happens, he leaves.

Guys who want more tend to hang around longer than guys who are just looking to have sex. They also are more likely to want to hang out with you without sex being on the table.

You might be on a date watching a movie but he thought of watching a movie at night meant “Netflix and chill.” If you’re wondering how to know if he just wants sex, this is a clear indicator.

13. If you say something really strange or messed up, he doesn’t care.

Around the time I realized everyone in my college hated me, I started dating and played a game where I’d try to come up with the most outlandish things I could say to a guy, then say them with a straight face.

This led me to realize that guys who are just looking for sex tend to be willing to agree with anything as long as it leads them to the bedroom.

14. He reeks like a jerk.

You know how there’s a whole culture of guys who basically look a certain way so that they can have sex with girls?

They dress the same, tend to wear the same cologne, often will flash cash or flaunt a certain kind of car according to their region. Yeah, avoid them.

15. He brags to you about sex.

This is the big one. Guys who are looking to have sex will brag to you about how they bed other women. These guys will never be respectful enough or good enough for a long-term relationship. They just won’t.

So, if you hear this one, tell him to go have sex with other women because you’re not biting.

How Girls Act When They Want To Have Sex With Guys (Pictures) – Romance – Nairaland

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Girls can also go to any length when they want to have sex with guys just that they devise the craftiest means to achieve this.

Below are some memes that depict how clever girls can be in achieving this

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463 Likes 30 Shares

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4. When she finally gets to your place and your friends arrived before her.

The way she looks at them

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make I book space

that no 4:
they will pretend to be playing games ,
me:

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5. When your friends start leaving one after the other and a particular one refuses to go.

She will be boiling inside of her and will be like

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And at the very end of the fúcking spree, something like this usually happens.

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How girls ask for sex.

White girl: kisses u deeply and whispers to ur ear. "Let’s do it"

Naija girls: Mc.Brooklyn, I will soon go oo.

8. When you run to the pharmacy to get her procold.

The way she will look at you

558 Likes 37 Shares

487 Likes 35 Shares

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11. When you are doing the kini, she will start acting like she’s not enjoying it and when you ask if you should remove it, she will tell you YES but will use her legs to grip your waist so that your joystick will not slip out

Feel free to add yours

357 Likes 26 Shares

Make I relax here

How the thing wee be sweeting us when the act finally commence

Meme by Mc Mouthopause

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Somebody let me know when this hits Front Page. I have a message for our "we don’t feel the urge for sex" women. Thank you

#Meninist

**Modified**
Okay. Great! Its on front page.
Research as confirmed that ladies enjoy sex more than men. And have the ability for multiple orgasms. So i don’t really see why most of them use it as a bargaining chip if not that many men are ignorant.

Now, i want guys to refuse to be hood winked and remote controlled by sex. The secret most ladies don’t tell you is they want sex as much as you want it but they don’t brandish it the way most of you do. You need to understand how to play on the pysche of women. You need to know what turns them on and use that to your advantage. I’ve done it severally. You can do it too.

Guys learn to be in control. Stop acting like you will die because of sex, you become a toy in the hands of women.
Become an #Alphamale today.

#Meninist

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When his got a nine inches shotgun and his halfway digging the hole

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E get one wey de do push up anytime my guy is going down for business
I de look that babe somehow o.

Lmao. Diz Guy no dey Aite.

You can instruct someone without inadvertently criticising them.

How to ask someone if they want to have sex

We all know that great communication is the key to any healthy relationship and satisfying sex life – but it’s sometimes easier said than done, especially when it comes to sex-related matters. We all want to be open and celebrate what we enjoy sexually, but when we start to factor in our partner’s feelings, things get complicated.

Even if we have an honest relationship, bringing up other sex things we’d like to try can be difficult. We worry our partner will perceive our suggestions as criticism. In an ideal world, we’d be able to get across that we need certain things, but without making them feel vulnerable or judged. And it’s a difficult balance, because sex is such an exposing and intimate activity, it’s natural to feel sensitive.

“Women often have a problem saying what they want in bed for two reasons,” relationship therapist Aimee Hartstein says. “Firstly they are often socialised to feel shy or inhibited around their sexuality. Women get very mixed messages in society about sex, but one of those messages is ‘if you are sexual and seek pleasure then you are a slut’. “It can also be difficult for them to figure out what they like in bed and tell their partner in a direct manner.”

How to ask someone if they want to have sex

Talking about sex, especially if you’re not used to it, can feel like a minefield. But as long as you’re kind and thoughtful with your wording, there’s no reason discussing your sex life with your partner should be a problem. Both of you want to have an empowering, fulfilling sex life – so it’s time to open up the conversation. So here’s how to assert your sexuality and ask for what you want, without hurting your partner’s feelings.

1. Remember sex is meant to feel good for you, too

Firstly, remember that your sex life is not just about pleasing your partner – it’s also about pleasing yourself. Aimee says this is the other big dilemma for women and people with vulvas.

“The other challenge is that in heterosexual and male/female pairings, women can tend to be deferential to men and a bit passive,” she says. This is not our fault, FYI, but down to how we are socialised and our patriarchal culture. “But sex is supposed to be something you participate in that feels good to you. And only you know what that is.”

If you’re losing your nerve, remember that you deserve to feel great, and that your partner wants you to feel great too.

2. Choose your tone and setting

A huge part of how your partner is going to respond is down to how you talk to them about it. “The best way to tell your partner what you want in bed is to be direct, but also complimentary and kind,” Aimee explains.

You may want to avoid doing it right after sex, when they’ll probably be feeling particularly vulnerable. See if you can bring it up organically, rather than as a big announcement where they might feel under attack. Then be kind, but firm.

How to ask someone if they want to have sex

3. Be clear

If you’re going to have the conversation, there’s no point in beating around the bush – and your partner will probably appreciate the clarity.

“You might feel comfortable saying straight out that you want them to touch you harder or softer,’ Aimee says. “Chances are they will welcome the guidance and be game.”

“When they do something great, tell them!”

You can even show them. As Reddit user ArielAlien says, “I think it helps to show them what you like. Either guide their hands or move their face how you want it. It could also help to show them yourself how you like to be fingered. And lots of positive reenforcement.”

Underslug357 agrees being clear and concise is really important. “Tell them to add (or subtract) a finger, tell them to curl or uncurl the tips of their fingers, guide the tempo (faster, slower, go deeper, stay right there, etc), and when they do something great, tell them! Likewise, when they don’t do something right, correct them gently. Say, ‘That’s a little uncomfortable,’ or ‘Maybe do the other thing instead.'”

But what if you’re with someone who is super sensitive to criticism of any kind? Raychelpotter says, “When I am with someone [like that] I find blunt descriptions work best such as, ‘Suck the clit as if it is my nipple’, ‘Lift your finger towards the ceiling while sliding it in and out slowly’, or ‘Don’t push down towards the floor, the G-spot is up towards the ceiling’.”

4. Make it part of your pre-sex build up

If the thought of talking about sex that frankly makes you blush, don’t worry, the more you do it the easier it gets. Once you get used to it, it’ll make conversations about sex so much more fulfilling and useful.

“Use sexting to subtly weave in what you want to try”

If in doubt, try experimenting with sexting, subtly weaving in the things you want to try, and the way you like to be touched. This can be a great way to get your point across and turn your partner on in the process.

Or you can do this in real life, too, like honestredditor69: “I’ll come up behind him when he’s in bed and start kissing his shoulder while telling him what I want him to do to me.”

5. Wrap it up in positives

“But if you worry that they’re going to be sensitive about it, you can also add input about the things they already do that you like,” Aimee says. “Tell your partner that you love the way they do X and Y, and that it would be great if they could also add Z.”

You can even try a compliment sandwich: start with something great, make a suggestion, then talk about something else you like. It’s a great way to have an open conversation about your sex life, rather than it just feeling like criticism.

How to ask someone if they want to have sex

“Emphasise on the pleasurable and positive so they don’t get insecure or out of the mood,” adds Underslug357.

6. Ask them what they need

Another good route in, is to ask about what your partner might want or need in bed that they’re not already getting. By making suggestions and asking questions, it becomes a back-and-forth. And, if your partner is able to bring up what they’d like to try, your suggestions will feel less like a lack of satisfaction and more like a mutual appetite for exploration.

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How to ask someone if they want to have sex

Every woman who has dated men has at some point said something to the tune of: “If only he had just let me know up front that he wasn’t looking for anything serious.” Sometimes it’s the opposite: “I didn’t realize he was so into me; I thought we were just hooking up.” There’s a reason “what is your intention with my daughter” is the first question all movie dads ask. Knowing the answer prevents later heartbreak.

All relationships—even one night-long relationships—involve a delicate dance of trying to ascertain the other person’s intentions. Sometimes this dance lasts minutes, and sometimes it lasts months or years. Of course, we try to make our intentions known, but we often fail. Leaving someone’s house immediately after sex, for example, doesn’t count as communicating your expectations for the relationship. Neither does never being the one to text first, or liking other girls' Insta pics, or bringing up your ex constantly (although that is definitely an effective way to prevent serious relationships).

I once had a friends with benefits whom I never kissed on the mouth. I think it was a subconscious effect of Pretty Woman. I just figured it would be obvious that we were only there to have sex if all we ever did was have sex (also, I don’t really like making out). Luckily for me, he texted me after the first time we hooked up and let me know that he still saw us as platonic friends, despite the hookup—which was fine with me—and we had a vaguely mature talk about it and then we never had to talk about it again, since we both knew each others’ expectations.

If I understand correctly, men are terrified of women being upset with them. If you watch men end things with women—which I do frequently as a viewer of The Bachelor franchise—you’ll notice how they try to get the women to say the five magic words: "I’m not mad at you." So why, when the fear of disappointing, enraging, or otherwise upsetting women is so strong, don’t men just make their expectations clear from the get-go?

Contrary to popular (male) opinion, women are not desperately trying to trap men in long-term commitments. Actually, now that we’re no longer economically reliant on you guys, on the whole we’re a lot less motivated to trick you into marriage. A relationship really is so much more rewarding when both parties want to be in it. Many male friends of mine have worried to me about how much they might upset a woman by turning her down, or by telling her that they don’t want to get serious. To them (and to you) I say: You aren’t that special. I mean I’m sure there are ways in which you are special, and I’m sure you have a lot to give to a partnership, but you aren’t so special that a woman will fall to pieces if you tell her you don’t want to be in a committed relationship.

All said, a woman might reasonably fall to pieces if you wait to tell her you’re just looking to fool around until you've shared eight months of loosely-hooking-up-and-also-doing-lots-of-date-like-activities. Just like disclosing a lethal food allergy, the sooner and more clearly you alert her, the better. You don’t need to shout MY NAME IS ANTONIO AND I’M NOT LOOKING FOR ANYTHING SERIOUS over the music the night you meet a girl on the dance floor, or in the Lyft on the way back to her place to hook up. But if you guys are texting the day after said sexy times, that’s a good time to lay down what you’re interested in. Or, more accurately, what you’re not interested in. (If you are genuinely open to something more happening beyond the bedroom, but wouldn’t be bothered if this went no further than a couple meetings on your still-on-the-floor mattress, then you don’t need to spell that out.) If you can, talk about it before you start to go on date-like activities with her—"date-like" meaning anything that involves leaving your houses, or anything or that starts before 9 P.M.

If, however, you are opposed to/not ready for/otherwise uninterested in putting any effort into dating a person, let them know. Don’t treat it as a favor to her that you’re giving her a heads up. It’s not a favor; it’s simply the right thing to do. You don’t get extra points for being clear about what you want just because the rest of society’s daters are out there pulling bare minimum bullshit. Don’t start your sentence with anything resembling “Just to be fair to you…” or “I just thought you would want to know…” This isn’t about her, it’s about you. “I want to be upfront with you that I’m not looking to date right now,” is a good start. You can also follow up with something along the lines of “if you are looking for a relationship, and are no longer interested in hanging out, I understand, but I’m having a great time and would love to see you again.” Unfortunately “I’m just not looking to date right now” has been appropriated by people who are just trying to weasel their way out of a tense breakup talk, so that little addendum just lets her know that it’s not her, it really is you.

You can also start by asking her what she’s looking for. Try something along the lines of: “I’ve been having a lot of fun and I’m just wondering what you’re looking for out of this.” Let her know that you don’t need an answer immediately, but that you’d like to talk about it before this goes too far. Personally, I think this is a great conversation to have via text, since people are more likely to be honest via text and they can respond on their own timeline, once they’ve had a chance to put some thought into their answer.

Just be honest. Don’t tell someone that you might be into dating them and you want to “see where it goes” when you know you’re only in it for the bomb sex you guys have been having. Wishy-washy answers like “let’s play it by ear” are not as sneaky as you think. And when you do definitively break things off with her six months from now, only a few minutes after she asks if you want to be a plus one at her brother's wedding, she’s going to be rightfully pissed. Err on the side of a firm, clear answer. Even if you don’t know what “this” is between the two of you, have clear answers ready for when she asks you to define some boundaries. I think men are often afraid that if they say they’re open to a long-term relationship, they’re then stuck with the person they told that to. That’s not the case.

So bring it up for yourself. So that no one gets mad at you, sure, but also because it’s the right thing to do—because it makes the rest of dating someone or just sleeping with someone or seeing where this is going so much more enjoyable.