How to approach a girl if you’re shy and don’t know what to say

This article was co-authored by David Kornel Z. David Kornel Z is a Dating Coach for NYC Wingwoman LLC, a relationship coaching service based in New York City. ‘NYC Wingwoman’ offers matchmaking, wingwoman services, 1-on-1 Coaching, and intensive weekend bootcamps. Coming from a bilingual family, David has always been fascinated by communication and relationships. He speaks five languages and runs a language and communication coaching and tutoring business in Europe.

There are 13 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page.

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It can be nerve-wracking to try to talk to a girl you don’t know, but with some conversation pointers, you’ll be feeling confident and ready to give it a try. If you’re approaching a girl in person, give her a warm smile and read her body language to see if she seems ready to talk. Then strike up a conversation about where you are, ask her friendly questions, make her laugh, and leave her wanting more by asking for her contact information. If you’re talking online or on a dating app, start out with a friendly, personal message that proves you’re thinking of her.

One of the biggest reasons guys avoid approaching attractive women is that many guys simply don’t know how to approach a woman they’ve never met. But guys who take the time to learn the fundamentals on how to approach a woman no longer have that issue, and therefore have an easy time approaching women wherever they go. If you like to master those fundamentals and learn how to approach a woman you’ve never met, read on.

How to use eye contact in approaching a woman

Approaching a woman you’ve never met is always easier if you have an invitation to approach. And the way to get that invitation is with eye contact.

When you see an attractive girl you want to approach, the first thing you want to do is make eye contact. If she looks up and catches your gaze, holds that eye contact and give her a relaxed smile. This will help you make a good first impression on the girl by showing you’re a confident, friendly guy.

Now, if she holds that eye contact (or looks away and then back at you) she’s giving you a sign she’s interested and it’s an invitation to approach. Don’t wait for any other invitation, as this is likely the most obvious indicator of interest she will give. However, if she doesn’t hold your gaze – or never looks in your direction to make eye contact, don’t worry. There is still plenty you can do to start a conversation with a woman you don’t know.

Best way to approach a woman

A good approach comes down to having the right body language. So as you approach a woman, keep your head up, back straight (like there’s a string from your lower back pulling you up through the crown of your head), shoulders back, and smile. Approaching a girl in this way will show her you’re a confident, friendly guy right off the bat. As a result, she’s going to be much more receptive and willing to engage in a conversation.

Now, a good habit to have in approaching women is to always walk up to the woman you’re interested in right away. Lots of guys don’t do this. Instead, they get anxious about approaching a woman and insist on waiting for “the right moment” (which never comes). But if you have any approach anxiety when walking up to a woman, waiting around for “the right moment” is only going to make that anxiety worse. Plus, you don’t want to be the guy who is seen hesitating – or worse – the guy who hovers around a girl. Girls notice that and are instantly turned off.

Instead, here’s what to do when you see a girl you’re interested in: Obey the “two-second” rule and simply go approach the girl within two seconds of seeing her. Walking up to a girl without even thinking about it will not only make you look more confident, it will prevent that approach anxiety from taking over.

How to stop a girl on the street

There’s no reason to limit the women you approach to just bars and clubs. You can approach women absolutely anywhere. Even if a girl is simply walking down the street, you can stop her and engage the woman in the conversation right then and there.

Of course, stopping a girl on the street is going to look different than walking up to a girl at a bar. If you’re interested in stopping starting a conversation with women on the street, here’s how to do it:

Put yourself directly in her path, about 6-10 feet in front of her. This way you won’t startle her, and can stop her momentum

Face her and look her right in the eye. Make it clear your looking to get her attention

Raise your hand about in foot in front of you (put it around the height of your belly-button). Putting this sort of barrier between the two of you has a way of easing the tension.

Stop her with a simple “Excuse me” and get the conversation started (more on this next)

In the end, stopping a cute girl on the street is no different than stopping someone if you were lost and needed directions. The only difference is that instead of looking for directions, you’re just looking to have a friendly chat (which just might lead to a date).

What to say to a woman you just met

The trick in how to start a conversation with a woman you don’t know is to keep things positive, light, and fun. This can be done in a variety of ways. One of your best bets to start things off with some playful banter (for detailed explanation on how to master banter, check out these episodes of Pickup Podcast, as well as articles here and here).

If you don’t feel comfortable jumping into banter with a woman right off the bat, then just say whatever you feel comfortable saying. A genuine compliment or a simple “Hi, I’m _____” can start a conversation with a woman off just fine.

Lots of guys think they need to dazzle a woman right away with an amazing opening line. The truth is, they don’t. These guys would be surprised at just how to effect this kind of authenticity can be.

How to win a girl over with your attitude

In the end, what you say to a girl really doesn’t matter. After talking to a girl you just met, she’s probably going to forget most of what you said within a few hours (maybe even minutes) anyway. What she won’t forget though, is the way you made her feel. And that doesn’t come from the words you say, it comes from your attitude.

Attitude can trip a lot of guys up. Lots of guys who interact with a girl have an attitude of “I hope this girl likes me” or “I hope I get a number”. Guys who are approval-seeking and outcome-dependent come across as lacking confidence and that attitude can rub a girl the wrong way. Instead, you want to keep a warm, positive vibe throughout the interaction. When meeting a girl, you want to have an attitude along the lines of “I’m awesome, you’re awesome… everything’s awesome”.

Having a fun, care-free attitude is going to get her to start feeling that way too. If you can get a girl to feel good when she’s talking to you, then she’s going to want to have you around more often.

Did you know the Art of Charm has new online coaching programs to overcome approach anxiety Click Here to Learn More

Brian M – author of 191 posts on The Art of Charm

Once he realized attraction was something he could learn, Brian spent way too much of his free time studying and practicing everything he could find on the subject. He stumbled across The Art of Charm podcast and eventually signed up for an AoC bootcamp. Excited by the progress he’s made in his own life since the program, he decided to start writing for AoC to help other guys do the same. By writing about interpersonal dynamics, he’s finally able to put that psychology degree to good use. View all posts by Brian M →

How to approach a girl if you're shy and don't know what to say

How to approach a girl if you're shy and don't know what to say

Reddit isn’t known for being female-friendly — in fact quite the opposite. But the social news website’s notoriously “anti-woman” users apparently do value female Redditor’s opinions when it comes to dating. The thread “Ladies of Reddit, please help us male Redditors out: What is the best way to approach you in public if we’re interested in you?” has garnered 3,518 comments since the query was posted on the night of July 29th.

And if that conversation is any indication, the women — and men — of Reddit have a lot to say about the art of approaching a potential female romantic interest. One piece of advice that cropped up continually throughout the thread is the importance of a confident attitude:

StellaBelle1: Walk up and say hi. Start up a general conversation about where you’re at and see how she reacts. If she keeps eye contact and is pleasant, continue on and ask her out; if she is avoiding eye contact and being short with what she says, move on. Just be confident (not cocky) when you approach and smile.
* * * * *
WiiNotFit 211: You have to do the hard part of playing it by ear and just approaching them, saying hi, and talking to them in a very confident and non-confrontational manner . Just be confident, if you are, it doesn’t matter what you say.

You know what doesn’t strike the women of Reddit as confident and sexy? Terrible pick-up lines:

Creamy_Peaches 966: I prefer someone who can just say hello to me and be forward about it without automatically using cheesy pick up lines or asking me to sleep with them.

Female commenters seem to be split on their preferences about being approached at work. Some users expressed that they would be flattered:

drocks: I had a guy come up to me at work and said I’ve never done something like this before but I just had to tell you that you are beautiful and see if I could take you out sometime. If I wasn’t married at the time I would have totally said yes. I think if you seem genuine in saying something like that you wont come across as totally creepy, but still flattering. Like really flattering.

Others said they felt the workplace was an inappropriate space for romantic interactions:

Purpl3Bac0n: . as a cocktail waitress (very revealing work attire), I do NOT appreciate guys trying to talk to me at work. You may be as genuine, charming or even CUTE, but whatever you are saying is going in one ear and out the other. It makes it uncomfortable.

Multiple people also brought up the importance of having the ability to walk away when talking to a stranger — especially if that stranger is a man who appears to be physically stronger than the woman he’s approaching:

Stembio: Guys don’t realize how much most women think about things like exit routes. If you corner or trap us in some way, we will feel frightened, not receptive. I know 90% of guys don’t mean to do this, and that kind of thing doesn’t even occur to them . And if you’re wondering why we worry about things like that, it is because we’ve been cornered and harassed or groped, or know someone who has, and there is literally no way to know if you are going to do something like that until you do it. So just, before you approach a strange woman, look at her possible escape routes, and do not get between her and them.
* * * * *
Faranya: From everything I’ve ever heard from pretty much every woman I know, the key point to the “walk up” part is to make sure she has somewhere to go if she isn’t into it.
If there is one exit, and you are in it, you’re not going to be successful.

Another key point to a positive potentially-romantic interaction? Make sure the other person is listening to you — and interested in what you’re saying:

Babberz: . make sure you have the woman’s attention. I don’t know how many times a guy will just walk up beside me and talk. Not even have eye contact and expect me to be like “oh yes I was totally just paying attention to what you said and it was probably awesome.”

For all the interest it generated, this sort of mass dating advice thread does have one crucial flaw, one user pointed out: Women do not have a singular set of preferences (shocker!). Thisisnotalice wrote,

Most importantly, looking through this thread, it’s obvious that different women want different things; while I would prefer a guy who seems slightly shy/nervous and doesn’t compliment me, other women want compliments and confidence. So if you approach one woman and she’s not feeling what you’re putting out there, that doesn’t mean that you have to change your approach — you just have to find someone that likes it, and then you’ll probably be a better fit in the long run anyway.

Of course, dudes can always default to Ryan Lochte’s seduction strategy as he described it to Women’s Health: “Make eye contact. Some guys keep staring, but I’ll give a wink and come back later, because it keeps her thinking.” Smooth, Lochte. Very smooth.

What sort of “come-ons” work for you — and which don’t? Tweet @HuffPostWomen with the hashtag #pickupwin or #pickupfail and we’ll feature them in a slideshow here!

How to approach a girl if you're shy and don't know what to sayIf you go to the gym you’ve probably noticed that there are a lot of seriously fine looking women there. Of course there are! It’s a place completely dedicated to people trying to look their best. This might make it even harder for you to when it comes to how to pick up a girl at the gym. You don’t need to be afraid to try and talk to women when you’re at the gym; It’s just another place where women are, no more, no less. Here’s a little secret: most men want to know how to pick up girls at the gym because they have NEVER even tried.

Approach With Confidence

This is the piece of advice that you need when you’re trying to talk to women wherever you might be. However, at the gym it’s especially crucial. You’re surrounded by men who are either confident or really good at pretending to be; This means that you need to be one or the other, especially when you go to make your approach to pick up girls at the gym. Confidence helps people to feel relaxed around you and it’s one of the most attractive qualities out there.

Start Light

When you approach her, the best thing to do is to use a light approach. Lead with a playful joke. This is the way to begin a conversation because it allows her to relax a little and not feel like you’re coming on too strong. It also allows the two of you to instantly start creating a connection over the joke while also lowering her guard a little bit — it might be up because she’s being approached in a place that isn’t a traditional place for socializing.

Timing Is Everything

When it comes to how to pick up a girl at the gym, timing is everything. You don’t want to approach her when she’s in the middle of a particularly intense set, nor probably when she’s out of breath on the treadmill. Instead, you want to pick the right time, get in, get out and make the whole thing as fast as possible. You’re not going to go on a date at the gym. What you’re trying to do here is banter, flirt a little have a quick chat, get her number and then set up a date for another time.

Keep Your Compliments Non-Physical

It’s OK to compliment her, but you want to keep them nonphysical when you are trying to talk to girl at gym. The gym is a touchy place. Women — even ones that are in great shape — can be more self-conscious here than just about any other place. So tell her that you think she’s cool, that you dig her, that she’s interesting, whatever. Just don’t tell her that she’s hot or even compliment something that she’s working on at the time. Take for granted that she already know that you’re attracted to her. Give her compliments about anything else.

Get Her Number and Bounce

Like we said above, time is of the essence. So what you want to do is very quickly proceed to telling her that you want to get together some time, hand her your phone, ready to receive her number and tell her that you want to call her. Then text her so that she has your number. That’s it. It might make good sense to do all of this when you’re leaving the gym.

AJ Harbinger – author of 1165 posts on The Art of Charm

Anyone can make the first move.

How to approach a girl if you're shy and don't know what to say

How to approach a girl if you're shy and don't know what to say

Let’s get one thing straight: Anyone — regardless of gender — can make the first move. But some guys feel pressured to take initiative when they have a crush, which can feel daunting for even the bravest of dudes. Shy guys might feel even more stressed about working up the courage to talk to an awesome girl.

Over on Reddit’s AskMen, shy guys shared their tips for approaching girls, getting a good conversation rolling, and even asking girls out. Here’s what goes on in their heads when they try to catch your attention (now you know!).

Some guys prefer to take it slow.

How to approach a girl if you're shy and don't know what to say

1. “Most shy people (including myself) don’t really go for the classic ‘want a date’ or whatever approach. We try to get to know someone first, and if we click eventually, we’ll gather the courage to clumsily tell.” – danymsk

2. “Taking it a little slower than usual is probably better than forcing it too fast. But make a move at some point or else she might think you just want to be friends .” – anachronic

Some guys just blurt something out.

How to approach a girl if you're shy and don't know what to say

3. “I blurt it out at an awkward moment once I’m at least 85 percent sure that she’s gonna like me back.” – Kentzfield

4. “I might tell her that the new dress she’s wearing looks good on her.” – Whatsthedealwithair

Or they try to catch your eye.

How to approach a girl if you're shy and don't know what to say

5. “I gawk at her from across the gym while thinking really hard that I think she’s really attractive and hope she gets the message.”- toysjoe

6. “Awkward eye contact followed by a fake embarrassed smile when she catches you.”- notqualified94

One genius even suggests — drumroll, please — treating girls like actual human beings!

How to approach a girl if you're shy and don't know what to say

7. “Be interested in what she says, joke around with her, ask follow-up questions, tell her she’s interesting, make it obvious that you’re paying attention to HER. Focus on her and treat her like she’s a fellow human being you’re interested in getting to know, and not just some random chick.” – anachronic

But tbh, everyone’s still figuring it out.

How to approach a girl if you're shy and don't know what to say

8. “I’m still working on getting comfortable enough with my sexuality to not feel like I’m automatically creepy just for feeling attracted to them.”- WesterosiAssassin

9. “I do eventually muster the courage to ask girls out, but it generally comes as a surprise to them since I’m so shy about expressing my interest. It’s something I’m working on right now”- LEIFey

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How to approach a girl if you're shy and don't know what to sayYou stand there, somewhere that you often go, when, out of the corner of your eye, you notice her: a sexy girl in a red, skimpy dress.

Man, I’d love to talk to HER , you think to yourself. but can’t think of a way you might go talk to her, or what you might say.

Plus, she’s all the way over there , and you’re all the way over here ; it’d be too obvious if you just walked over there.

You go back to minding your own business.

A few minutes later though, you notice that there she is again – only now, she’s hovering about right next to you , looking vaguely lost and confused.

She’s over here now! you think. I can’t believe it! Luck is on my side! But what if she doesn’t respond when I talk to her? How do I know she wants to talk to me?

So, you hesitate. and a moment later, she drifts away, as if remembering where she needed to go and going there instead. Ah, missed my chance , you think.

But it wasn’t luck on your side, nor was it blind chance – that was an approach invitation .

The reason she ended up hovering next to you, seemingly on accident, was because she wanted you to approach – and wanted to do everything in her power to help make it easy for you to do so.

And if you aren’t recognizing it when women do this, you are most likely missing out on a lot of pretty women who really want to get to know you.

Want to gain your guy’s attention without even talking to him? Here are a few tips and tricks to get him to notice you and approach you.

How to approach a girl if you're shy and don't know what to say

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Crushing On Someone?

It is always a little frustrating to not get noticed by the guy you have been crushing on for ages. Guys are simple creatures; this may seem like a bad thing, but at least they are easier to attract. To get his eyes on you is as easy as pie. Making the first move is hard, so let him make the first move for you. It makes life more fun and easier. It’s better when everything is plain and simple, so don’t play hard to get. Take your time to get your guy’s attention and let him approach you first. Here are a few ways you can get your guy’s attention and make him for fall for you even without talking to him.

A post shared by XENIA (@xenia) on Oct 8, 2017 at 5:39am PDT

1. Dress in a flattering way

Your sense of style is what your crush will first notice about you unconsciously. So, dress up yourself to lure him into looking at you. Wear something that you are comfortable with; never go for the kinds of clothes that don’t make you feel confident. Wear something that works on you. Why not try red? Red brings out the best in everyone. It is believed that the color red makes a woman look more appealing and approachable. It might drive your guy crazy. There is no need to dress for your guy unless you want him to pay attention to you. So don’t have any regrets when you try to impress him with your wardrobe collection. This is one easy way to get your guy to notice you without talking to him.

2. Wear makeup to get your guy’s attention

Guys are honestly kind of dumb, so even when you have smudged eyeliner or faded lip color he might not care because he might not know anything about makeup. But to get your guy’s attention, all you have to do is look clean and fresh. A look that brings out your natural beauty will impress him and get head over heels with you. But it also depends on your guy, so focus on what he likes best to get him to notice you instead of being generic. If you have stalked him enough on Facebook to know your guy’s taste, then go ahead and wear makeup you know he would love. But if you don’t, then its advisable to follow common and classic makeup styles. It is believed that guys notice a woman with pretty, cute eyes or a bold lip. To make sure you don’t miss out on this advantage wear a little makeup. Don’t go too hard trying to impress by overdoing your makeup, you’ll just end up getting a weird look from him. It is always wise to go for something rather than to wait and not getting things done in the end. So go ahead and charm him with your killer looks without talking to him.

A post shared by Andrea Noëlle (@abarquezswift) on Oct 8, 2017 at 11:47pm PDT

Your girl is special and you should make an effort to let her know that. Send her cute texts and make her blush. Here we have 60 such ideas for you.

How to approach a girl if you're shy and don't know what to say

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Making your girl blush

If you are trying to make a lasting impression on your girl, then you must learn to compliment her. Not just any compliment, but the genuine one. It’s very important that you make her feel special. After all, she is important to you, right? But if you don’t make her feel that way, then she won’t understand what you actually feel for her.

Complimenting doesn’t only mean that you have to flatter her with your words. No, it doesn’t work that way when you are in a serious relationship. Flattering a girl will only works when you are trying to flirt with her. If she is your girlfriend, then you must genuinely appreciate her. Complimenting her on her looks is good, but now that you are growing closer, you should also take notice of her qualities and activities. You can tell her that you are impressed with how she handles everything like a pro. She will appreciate it and you will be able to see how her cheeks turn pink while she blushes.

A post shared by REMI ISHIZUKA (@rrayyme) on Oct 4, 2017 at 4:35pm PDT

Win your girl over through text

If you just started going out with your girl, then text messages are the best way to stay connected round-the-clock. You never know; she might be waiting for a sweet text from you. So when you wake up, look for your cell-phone and send a sweet good morning text message to your girl to make her morning as beautiful as her. You won’t be able to see her blushing, but your cute text will definitely make her blush. Now she knows that someone is there for her who genuinely finds her really special. Your girl will be impressed with your sweet gesture and return the favor by texting you back with a good morning message. This return of favor will make your day as well.

10 cute morning text messages to make your girl blush

If you are in a fix about what to write in a text message that’ll let her know of your feelings and how much you care for her, then we are here to help you out. We will give you the ideas about what to write and what not to write in a text message. What will be the best-suited words for the morning text message and how it changes in the night texts! We are here to help you out.

1. For the last 8 hours, I have missed you a lot. I can’t wait to see your smile. Wake up, my princess. Rise and shine. Good Morning 🙂

2. My life is beautiful just because of you. Good morning, my love.

3. I am incomplete at the moment because you are not with me. You complete me. Meet me soon, sweetheart. Good morning, dear.

4. Good morning to the most precious person in my life. You take my breath away.

5. Good morning, baby. Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you.

6. I have wasted the last 8 hours staying away from you and I don’t want to commit that mistake again. Wake up and shine brightly my love, see you soon.

7. I tried to make myself busy and not let your thoughts distract me, but it didn’t happen. Can’t wait to meet you.

8. Living without you is like living without water. Won’t be able to survive much longer. Come fast. I’ll be waiting for you.

9. Good morning my cute little baby. You are the reason behind my perfect life. So, thank you for your graceful presence.

10. Good morning, my sunshine. My mornings are melodious because of your voice. Just give me a call when you wake up.

A post shared by Karaja Finland (@karajafinland) on Feb 25, 2018 at 9:33am PST

Genuine compliments make girls blush

You can come up with fake compliments, but chances are, your girl won’t appreciate them. Would you like the fact that your girl is not appreciating your efforts? Will you enjoy her fake compliments over text? If you wouldn’t, then why do you think that your girl will fall for something fake? It’s easy to forward a nice text message, but if you don’t genuinely feel the words, then trust me, your girl will definitely make it out even faster than you think. If you like some text and feel that it’s apt for your girl, then add a line or two of your own before forwarding the message. It will make her blush and your purpose of sending the text message will be served. A girl looks beautiful when she blushes, so don’t lose any scope of flattering her. But remember, it should come from your heart. No need to be a poet to impress your girl; your genuine words about how you feel about her when she is around will be enough to make her blush.

A post shared by Light Story (@lightstory_) on Sep 18, 2017 at 5:18am PDT

Make your girl blush by staring at her

Staring doesn’t always make your girl feel uncomfortable, rather she will blush while you are doing so. When she is talking to you, if you stare into her eyes and listen to every word she utters, then after some time you will notice that she has started blushing. Your eyes should be expressive. It should say thousands of words and make her feel your genuine approach. If you want to lose yourself in her beautiful eyes, she will allow you because she will realize that this is what really makes you happy.

A post shared by Valentine (@valentinebx) on Sep 18, 2017 at 12:08am PDT

10 simple but cute texts to make your girl blush

A simple poem, which is inspired by her, will genuinely be appreciated by your girl, but don’t worry if you are not a poet. What matters the most is that the words you are writing to her over text are sincere. You must feel each and every word that you write. Remember, she is not able to see your expression, she is only reading it. So, it should be captivating enough.

1. Thank you for connecting me with my inner soul. You are the sweetest angel of my life.

2. I can’t help myself but get lost in those beautiful, expressive eyes of yours.

3. Before you came into my life, it was a complete mess. Thank you for sorting it out. Now, my life is so much more focused and simply better. And all these have been possible, only because of you.

4. You are my only hope in bleak times. Never leave my hand, else I’d be lost in oblivion.

5. You are my wings, without you, I won’t be able to fly an inch. Never ever leave me alone. I love you so much.

6. The home seems dull without your bright smile. Come home soon. Missing you!

7. You were the missing piece in the jigsaw puzzle of my life. Now that you are here, my puzzle has been solved.

8. I have heard that love hurts, but from the moment that I fell in love with you, I have only felt happiness and all my earlier wounds have been healed. There is always an exception and my love for you falls in that category.

9. I would do anything and everything possible to make you smile. Your gloomy face is my biggest nightmare. Please keep smiling, so that I don’t get nightmares.

10. The very thought of living without you sends chills down my spine. I can’t imagine a life without you.

A post shared by AMBER FILLERUP CLARK (@amberfillerup) on Sep 8, 2017 at 10:18am PDT